Condolences!
Today isn’t the day.
You're off to no place, nowhere and no how.
You're here to stay, somewhere, and oh wow!
You got a vacancy upstairs.
You have coins in your shoes.
You could buy yourself any ticket you choose.
But you won’t click the button, you’re not gonna broach
You are the guy who can’t travel in coach.
Is it Canada you’ll fly, with the Mounties and moose?
Gathering up maple syrup, flannel and maybe a noose?
You’ll need a new passport, but should stick to poutine.
Posing with cheese curds is hardly routine.
Or maybe it’s further, way across the pond
To Europe! Waving your wand
To Heathrow! To Orly! To Charles de Gaulle!
The food carts there are just like a mall.
Best to stay mute, but better to nod
For now, sit tight, just like the Squad
Oh, the places you won’t go!
Not Spain! Not England! Not Germany! Not France!
“Marseille it ain’t so”, said the pimple to the lance,
You’re not here to visit, to stay or to settle
What did the pot say to the kettle?
Not Corsica, not Sicily, and definitely not Crete,
Those are islands are there, though you’re not gonna meet
You got a home Malibu, and another in Aspen
One more in Palm Springs to keep your staff gasping
Tribeca, Marin and off to Sun Valley
Not too bad, that’s quite the tally
So you’ll be fine, from set to the stage
Dispensaries now, well they’re all the rage
So sob in your stories, lean into postings
Even rich donors experience ghostings,
Stick to the kitchen, hone your mincing
Instead wasting time on futile convincing.
You’ve said this before, made similar threats
But oh how private planes pile up debts
A familiar feeling, though hardly the first
Can it really be said that this is the worst?
In ’68 you sobbed, sapped of your joy
Considered relocating to some shack in Hanoi
By ’72 things had slowly improved,
But once a knucklehead, always a stooge
Water and gates, plumbers and creeps
Waiting for gas with honking and beeps
The eighties were darker, despite all the glitz
The climate was warming faster than a schvitz
You spent too much time browsing real estate options,
When looking for loopholes, have you consider adoptions?
Things got weirder as we migrated online
Ignoring the geese, their flights sublime
After 2000, it was too much to bear
Committed to moving, only now with less hair
Would you go? Would you leave? Was this really the end?
Not with your living. Make believe! Pretend!
Thank the academy, your producers et al,
They line your pockets with a crypto haul
So...
be your name Beyonce or Barbra or Bruce
or Dicaprio Deniro Damon or Juice
But OJ is gone, into the hereafter,
Is that applause? Or is it laughter?
Your limo is waiting
So…get on with your day
You're going anywhere, that's what I say