"Alec Baldwin mocked for leaving his fly down during ‘SNL’ closing scene..."
Moments later, Baldwin decides to formally address the cast.
Baldwin: Let me have your attention for a moment. So you're talking about what? You're talking about that commercial you shot, some director that doesn't want to cast you, some extra that doesn't know what you're saying. Let's talk about something important.
One actor realizes his fly is down and begins to zip up.
Put that zipper down! Zippers are for clothers only. I'm here from uptown. I'm here from NBC. And I'm here on a mission of manners. You call yourself an actor, you son of a bitch? The good news is -- you're fired. The bad news is you've got, all you got, just one week to regain your jobs, starting tonight. Starting with tonight’s zip.
Baldwin dramatically zips up
Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to next week’s show. As you all know, first prize is a Tesla Truck. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize's a set of bit coin. Third prize is you're fired. You get the picture? You laughing now? You got pants. NBC paid good money. Get your legs into them! You can't wear the slacks you're given, you can’t wear them, then hit the bricks pal and beat it 'cause you are going out!
Someone mutters, “the pants are weak.”
The pants are weak? You're weak. You know why, Mister? 'Cause you wore Dockers to get here tonight, and I’m wearing ten-thousand-dollar Brunello Cucinellis. That's my name. And your name is "you're slacking." And you can't dress in a man's trousers. You can’t sport them. And you go home and tell your tailor your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life! Get pants that fit on the waistline which is belted!
A-B-C. A-always, B-be, C-clothing. Always be clothing! Always be clothing! A-I-D-A. Attire, intact, dress, adjust. Attire – do you have nice attire? Intact -- are you fully intact? I know you are because there aren’t any button flies in here. Dress -- have you dressed in front of a full-length mirror?!! And adjust. A-I-D-A; get out there!! You got pants flyin’ off the rack; you think they came in to get out of the truck? Garb doesn't arrive on a mannequin lest it wants to pose. Hanging out there waiting to give you their clothing! Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it?
You see this belt? That belt cost more than your car. I made $9.7 million last year. How much you make? You see, pal, that's who I am. And you're nothing. Nice hat? I don't give a tip. Good apron? Go home and grill some dogs. You wanna work here? Clothe! You think this is abuse? You can't take this -- how can you take the abuse you get on a shoot?! You don't like it -- leave. I can go out there tonight with the wardrobe you got, make myself fifteen thousand laughs! Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! A-I-D-A!! Get mad! You sons of bitches! Get mad!! You know what it takes to get laughs?
He puts on a clown nose, hair and makes a few vulgar gestures to the crowd.
It takes funny clothing and juvenile humor to get laughs.
He takes off the clown outfit.
Go and do likewise, gents. The roles are out there, you get ‘em, they’re yours. You don't--I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go wear those pants, then clothe, it's yours. If not you're going to be shining my enormous clown shoes. Bunch of losers sitting around a community theatre. "Oh yeah, I used to be an actor, it's a tough racket."
He takes out large stack of silver zippers tied together with string from his briefcase
These are the new zippers. These are the Alec Baldwin zippers. And to you, they're gold. Technically, silver. But you don't get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They're for clothers. I'd give you good pants but you wouldn't know what to do if you got ‘em.
He puts back on his gold belt.
And to answer your question, Kenan: why am I here? I came here because Lorne asked me to, he asked me for a favor. I said, the real favor, follow my advice and fire your ass because a loser is a loser.
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