Swallowing the anchor

There’s an old saying, “if you can’t give your all, then give about twenty percent.” It seems we’ve forgotten that, except in the rare cases of tipping generously. But even there, times are changing. Tips are headed towards the same eco-curious refuse heap that received dumbwaiters and plastic straws without raising a question or asking an eyebrow. And to think, dumbwaiters gave way to dumb waiters, who will likely give way to humanoid-like Smart™waiters. It offers up more evidence as to why when given the choice between dining out and dining in, I stay in, choosing to pocket the extra cash, ignoring the plight of young, hardworking robots. Although, unlike humans, robots have a hard time working their way up from the bottom of the industry, fearing the prospect of a premature demise from washing dishes. Showers and baths are a serious no-no, too.

Seeing as it’s Monday, discussing how to start the day seems in order. Stunningly, many labor under the delusion that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It isn’t. It’s the most important moment of the day. This goes way beyond food.

Whether you’re consuming an animal, vegetable or mineral isn’t nearly as important as that you’re eating something heavy. Picture a shell steak the size of a car battery, a broccoli stalk dating from prehistoric times that would feel right at home on the plate of a hungry, yet hospitable Brontosaurus, or a pristine, moderately expensive geode sautéed in garlic and butter that would give any dentist from Maine to Monterey night terrors. In other words, something that will quite literally weigh you down. This isn’t to make movement difficult, but to provide your body with necessary ballast, like the hull of a ship during a major engagement. The Spanish in 1588 learned this lesson the hard way.

Now that you have a formidable nutrient base in your system, work will come easily. And because you shouldn’t ever give your all, you’ll be extremely well-rested for a night on the town. Not only is consistently working hard rather difficult, it also makes foolish business sense. Pick your spots to say something mildly intelligent so it’s both refreshing and surprising. Do just enough to not be noticed and every now and again, add something to a meeting. But to do it nonstop will give others the impression that you care much too much. If you care about one thing, let it be arriving late to the office because your slow-roasting pork shoulder wasn’t nearly succulent enough to eat. So, like a reasonable person, you waited until it was.

Just don’t be fooled by free breakfast in the workplace. This wrests control from your greasy, herb-covered hands into those of the higher-ups. Who knows if the grub chosen will even be weighty enough to suit your boat-like appetite. You don’t want to put yourself in the unenviable position of being beholden to anyone, especially for a dry cheese Danish. If you must become indebted to your superiors, make sure it at least comes after a nourishing meal.