Please, call me doctor

They’re not so different from you and me. They breathe the same air. They drink the same water. They amble through the same parks and drive the same cars. They cut their sandwiches diagonally and always wait for their soup to cool before slurping. They’ve seen far too many examples of what happens when someone cavalierly ignores the steam rising from their bisque. But we act like they’re special, lording above us from a stone perch like an ancient gargoyle. Who are they and how did they claw their way from the curb to the ledge? 

They’re doctors. 

Look, some of my dearest friends are doctors. I have nothing against individuals. Folks who spent thousands of dollars cutting into their fellow citizens for anything but prestige or profit. But I am partially jealous at how the medical establishment convinced non-doctors to play into their games, by their rules, never questioning either. This doesn’t sit well with me. I’m willing to meet them halfway though. In the ICU, at the hospital, in the waiting room, even in the parking lot outside – they are doctors. Those who demand and deserve our collective respect. But elsewhere? That I’m not so sure about.

Say you run into one of these do-gooders in line at your neighborhood pork store waiting for the thinnest slices of prosciutto you can barely see through - identifying the meat solely by feel. Must you address them as doctor there, too? Unless one of the deli workers collapses or they have to perform mouth-to-pepper on a stuffed vegetable that’s deflated beyond recognition. What if you’re on the soccer field watching your kids play the Mindless Game? Are they docs here as well? You see what I’m driving at? Doctors, like few others, get to keep their titles wherever they go, whatever they do, even if it’s something undoctorly like changing a tire or weeding a patio. It’s even polite to address our nation’s Chief Executive as “Mr. President.” Yet somehow “Mr. Doctor” is offensive. Two of the most famous doctors - Erving and Gooden - didn't actually attend med school.  That just goes to show you how broken the system currently is. 

While it’s unlikely doctors will cede the linguistic territory they’ve worked diligently to obtain, it’s up to the rest of us to match them with our own silly titles. I’m a writer, therefore I demand everyone refer to me as Penman or, Pencilman, if accuracy is the goal and the two number 2s on my desk the best evidence. I don’t have to be writing at the time. Like a chef who’s always got confit on the brain, there’s never a second where words and phrases aren't traipsing through my thoughts with the potential of landing on the page. Captains, coaches, maestros and gardeners are just a few of the professions who've earned the right to be referred to as such. But they're not alone. Everyone needs a title now. It's the only way we can ensure true equity as a society.

The other solution is to disrupt the stethoscope stock by making "Doctor" a popular baby name. It'll definitely create some awkward  moments in the delivery room. 

"Congratulations, you have a healthy baby Doctor." 

"Doctor, could step outside? I'd like a moment with my wife and Doctor alone." 

"Doctor, meet Doctor."