It doesn’t help that most people waltz around with the false and pernicious notion that money laundering is a serious crime. Let’s do what the crafty Oxford lexicographers do when confronted by a new word or phrase. They don’t take someone else’s word for it. This is their livelihood, after all. When friends at parties would say, “You must really like bugs to go into a profession like that. Yuck,” – they’d put two fingers on the person’s sternum in a firm but gentle manner and in a clear voice repeat, “For the last time, I’m an etymologist, not an entomologist.”
As a society, we clean everything else. We clean our grimy cars with an obsessive, almost sick fervor. We clean our stained clothes with religious-like passion. We clean our dusty houses during an annual springtime ritual. We clean our dogs and children when they enter the home soiled and spent. We clean our dishes when they’re too icky to serve food on. Money is only the next logical step in hygiene.
At Rizzuto & Sons, we understand that dirty money isn’t always the result of a dirty lifestyle. Sometimes, it’s because you were well under the credit card minimum and the Bagel Boy behind the counter only had a crinkly dollar in the drawer for change. We don’t judge, we just clean. That crumpled cash of yours will look crisp again. We clean plastic too, subjecting cards to our own proprietary method of air drying and laser-soap application. As the economy slowly switches to a cashless one, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll get any cleaner.
Your conscience is clean. So why not your cash?
Rizzuto & Sons survived for a few years cleaning cash in the absence of any legitimate competition. Things got tricky when they added a more controversial service – brain washing. The actual soaping of one’s cerebellum. They set up shop in the dirtiest neighborhoods hoping for some positive word-of-mouth. But there was one thing they didn’t account for – anyone who enjoyed their services had no recollection of it. So much for good PR.
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