Idle Worship

Repeatedly revving my engine at a red light to goad a pack of rambunctious teenagers pouring out of a pickup truck isn’t my idea of holiday relaxation. There’s something to be said for circling the block a few times before settling on the ideal parking space, avoiding conflict and abstaining from argument. By now, we should know the various gears of a vehicle and when they’re most appropriate. Although, I’ve never understood why emergency brakes are used in situations that are hardly exigent. Pulling the E-Brake ought to be a maneuver akin to using a parachute ripcord or hitting the eject button inside a fighter jet. Parking on a slight incline doesn’t cut it. Perhaps a renaming is in order. Helpful brake anyone?

Given our obsession with making progress, it’s easy to forget the most comfortable gear of all – neutral. In neutral, you can text, since you’re not actually driving. Neutrality is a laudable position these days, in the face of much polarization. It’s why when I see a couple of young people fighting over broken Snapple jars in front of a bodega with broken Snapple jars, I don’t get involved. I don’t step in. I’ve come to accept that something made from the best stuff on earth, can occasionally bring out the worst in us. 

 

Ever since World War II, neutrality as a concept has been derided and scorned, with one nation bearing the brunt of crude jokes from lazy late night hosts. Yes, we know that Switzerland opted to sit that one out, but why should they alone take the pings and arrows from critics? You likely know the litany by heart. The Swiss have holes in their national consciousness, painfully similar to the consistency of their eponymous fromage. They have an army that relies on a pocketknife. They aren’t quite French, and yet, they aren’t quite German. In their defense, I think many of us would sign up for individually numbered anonymous bank accounts considering the massive threat of identity theft today. 

The Swiss were not the only ones who remained on the sidelines during the hottest glare of this nearly global conflict. But you wouldn’t know that unless you quickly read a paragraph on Wikipedia this morning. Where are the caustic barbs from lounge comics aimed at the tiny principality of Andorra? How about predictable monologues from cruise acts bemoaning the inadequacy of Spain and Portugal? The Irish and the Swedish stayed neutral, too. Where are their detractors?  

We could all benefit from taking our foot off the gas every so often. If you’re concerned that one step forward might mean two steps backward, then you should really consider staying put. Text, shave, sleep - do whatever you want, as long as you always pull your side mirror in.