Not in the cards

The real victims of this global pandemic are the gamblers, the bettors, the bookmakers, the handicappers. Those who need a little action to spice up their otherwise miserable lives. Their marriage may be in the toilet and their job may be on the toilet, but have you seen the line on Boise State? You don’t have to be a gambler to accept that life is indeed a gamble. But right now, a lot of that is being called into question. While we all suffer, some of us suffer a little more than others. And everybody loses when no one can beat the spread.  

Coronavirus has changed the way we think about gambling. Without a major sport to bet on, these once productive members of society are left to fend for themselves, weighing options they’ve never considered before. Here’s my advice for how a gambler can get through this outbreak, however long it goes on for. 

While it’s not exactly the National Pastime, feeding the local fauna is a significant part of outdoor recreation. At the country’s numerous public parks, it’s nearly as common as defecating behind overgrown, poorly manicured bushes or counting used syringes to simply pass the time. Let’s not forget who started this mess either. It was, after all, animals. So you might say that they owe us. It’ll require some creativity to come up with compelling enough prop bets, but I think we can do all it. Which pigeon will hold a cigarette in its mouth and for how long. If you happen to be in a municipality where vaping outnumbers smoking, then you’ll just have to work with what you’ve got. 

Wagering on the number of infections is not a wise decision if you either believe in God or have anything even remotely resembling a moral compass. That said, you can in good conscience bet on when your favorite bar will go out of business or reopen under questionable circumstances. If ever there was a time for speakeasies to return, and not the overpriced hipster-variety, the time is now. Similarly, the number of insurance fires may start to rise, too.

There are a whole host of prop bets waiting to be made. How quickly your food arrives. How many coughs it takes before you say confront a stranger. I’m putting that number at 1.5.The number of times you touch your face versus the number of times you admit to touching your face. 

The other, much less popular option is to just stop and smell the roses. A life without gambling, while obviously unfulfilling at first, is one that should see a steady rise in your credit score. What’s great for the gambler, is that as a neglectful parent, they won’t have to start hugging Junior and the Missus right away. They can ease into it. Nevertheless, will most choose this life instead of wagering on a subway rat’s ability to deftly dodge the deadly third rail? 

I wouldn’t bet on it.