Dr. Dolot

I have a dear, dear friend who spends most of his nights hunched over a thick plate of pâté beside a thicker Larousse dictionary, desperately trying to learn French. He chugs wines from the Loire Valley by the crate. He sucks down snails at every opportunity. He’s the kind of person who thinks that knowing one language is a sin and gets teary-eyed whenever a multi-lingual maven is mentioned on the evening news. It's his life shame that he can only communicate in a single tongue. But there’s more to life than conjugating verbs – especially ones you already know in English. So why is he doing this? Because he has the sneaking suspicion that the chefs at his favorite neighborhood bistro are ridiculing him in front of his face behind his back and over his escargot.

I must say - in English, in mind you - that I don’t get it. This isn’t about French, per se. Once you learn a language you’re done. Or you should be. You only really need to know one. After I learned how to play baseball, I wasn’t dying for someone to teach me lacrosse. It wasn’t necessary. I’d already found my sport. 

What concerns me is the waste of time. We only have so much of it to begin with, and to spend it thumbing through endless infinitives and nonsensical grammar until sunup. And for what? What am I learning French for anyway? It’s not like I’m going to start pronouncing the “t” in ballet anytime soon. They've already won.

But there are several languages that are completely ignored by the masses. They’re entirely off our radar, deemed inconsequential and beneath our dignity and intellect. Those are the languages that speak to me. The ones I want to learn. Quit wasting your time trying to converse with Gustave and Etienne when every dog, cat and bird is trying to get your attention. 

That’s right. You read that correctly. Dogs can talk. They’re talking all the time. At us, to each other, hoping against hope we stop and listen. You’ve probably spoken to a dog before. But you did it in such a way as not to try and meet in the middle and understand where they’re coming from. How about finding a lingua franca for Fido? You just yapped away in your native tongue, petting and rubbing, rubbing and petting. And worst of all, you gave them commands, “down,” “sit,” “go to the deli and pick up a pound of braciole.” How about getting on your hands and knees and barking, too? It would go a long way to extend a much needed olive branch between the species. One that they'd promptly take and chew. 

Birds too, are constantly trying to get noticed by pedestrians. People spend their whole lives going from park to park birdwatching and they never once consider trying to talk to the subject of their attraction man-to-bird. It’s really insane when you think about it. Unsure how to break the ice? Try saying hello. They’re just like you and me. 

Had you been speaking to animals since birth you could probably teach a university class on the subject by now. Instead, you're playing catch up. Sure, the elitists at the Ivy Leagues don't want to disrupt the fiefdom of their language lords, but this is coming. You watch. You wait. Look, I'm not naive enough to think that a dog can be president in my lifetime. But congress? I don't see any reason why not. The first step is always through communication.

So enough with the French lessons. You have the whole animal kingdom at your doorstep vying for your time. Start there and see what happens. You might just make a new friend.