War prone

I have epiphanies throughout the day. But they’re like rebellious teenagers, coming and going as they please. No alarm system can keep them out. There are not moments where I say, “oh that’s interesting. They really ought to stop merging words that don’t belong together. Baseball is Base Ball. Batman is Bat Man. And Oprah is Op Rah.” We’re talking about striking realizations and serious life changing events that combine the purity of scientific breakthroughs with unexplained religious experiences. To some, this may seem taxing, especially while working. It’s thrilling though, like having the keys to a supercar. Only you’re just the valet. To know that aliens aren’t coming anytime soon, they’re already here, holding down good jobs and sending their kids to private school. That the earth is the shape of a croissant, with each layer of crust mirroring exactly the beautiful buttered lamination you’ve heard so much about. Or that Elvis was a real king sent from the future to show the world how to shake hips and embrace peanut butter as an unparalleled staple of self-indulgence. 

Well, I had another big one the other day. I thought, “the best things in the 20^th century involved declaring war on something.” War on Poverty? Mission accomplished. War on Drugs? I’ve never touched the stuff. War on Christmas? Happy Holidays, people. Those are the biggies, the ones you’ve read about, watched 10-part documentaries about and drunkenly tried to explain to a prospective suitor. But they aren’t the only ones. When we have a problem in this country, we don’t solve it by careful deliberation and compromise. We do what we do best. We declare war.

You may remember the War on Big Gulps, which relegated large sodas to a place in society usually reserved for heroin needles, crack pipes and Pokemon cards. Or the War on Double Goodbyes, stopping the practice of saying farewell to everyone in a large group. Instead, we as nation felt that a single valediction more than sufficed during a party. Who can forget the War on Gestures? This was one of my all-time favorites. It didn’t call for the abolition of gestures, but merely a total fluidity of meaning. In other words, they were no longer set things. The goal, of course, was to turn the middle finger, the bird, into a multi-purposed act perfect for any occasion. The non-verbal equivalent of “shalom.” There was push back, mostly from American Sign Language proponents who saw this as a threat to their very way of life. Our latest conflict is the War on Happy Friday, which resonates with every working person.

I got a new war for you. The War on Creativity. The way I see it, it’s the only way we are ever going to get better creative. Things like this don’t just happen because of passivity and luck. This isn't a magic show. The only rabbits are on our plates during the third course of a nine course meal. Not in our hats. We don't wear hats. And you definitely can't fit a bunny in a beanie. By declaring war, we’re showing our commitment to the cause. 

I just hope it’s not too late.