Smart as a doornail

It’s hard to go anywhere these days without the subject of robots inching its way into the conversation. Robots are the new aliens, the sexy subjects for the bored and disinterested. But unlike our little green friends, who we know better than to let in our homes, offices and home offices, we welcome these mad machines with open palms. Give me a lull, any lull, and I’ll effortlessly turn a discussion on oysters into one about robots. They can shuck, too. And they will, putting a great many maritime savants out of work and back into the deep blue sea. Bivalves aren’t the only ones who should be shaking in their shells about the coming robot revolution. We all should be. 

It wasn’t always this way. We’re at the point that when I see a cute dog I wonder “robot?” It’s not exactly politically correct, but look, I see the appeal. No food. No accidents. No leashes. Okay, so maybe a little biting. But you can start to understand how the robots arrive. They come as gifts with a micro-Odysseus inside yearning for the opportunity to make a lasting mark. The Trojans would’ve loved Alexa, too. 

The news isn’t all depressing. Some people love automation and the ability to shop entirely without human contact. Yes, self-checkout is very attractive in theory. But look at how it manifests itself. I’m scanning. I’m finding bar codes. I’m holding a box of cereal face down, hoping against hope to hear that glorious electronic ding. I don’t want that. I want to be waited on like everybody else. Most of all, I want to be free. Either the robots do everything or they do nothing. Automation shouldn’t mean me moonlighting as a cashier checking my own ID to purchase a case of domestic beer. 

Therein lies the hope in artificial intelligence. Tragically, like most things, there’s a whiff of elitism permeating every discussion around it. But for me, a committed egalitarian, this is difficult to hear. It’s why I’m a major proponent of AS – artificial stupidity. Only when machines and electronics are as dumb and capricious as us, will they truly understand what it means to be human. Anyone can design something that asks smart questions or performs tasks with superhuman ease. Now something that asks breathtakingly stupid ones or gets bogged down in mindless minutia requires a level of empathy absent in most living things. Let’s see the Silicon surfers make something stupid this time around. Intelligence has brought us to the brink. Dumb it down, boys and girls, dumb it down. 

I don’t want smart locks in an intelligent home security system, but doornails that are legitimately dumb. Is that too much to ask?