Flatten your expectations

I get why people wish to be labeled as three-dimensional beings. It seems like the adult way to go. A serious and natural development in the life of a complex person. You don’t have to be a relative of Carl Friedrich Gauss (say, a distant cousin named Hans, Fritz or Wolfie Baby) to know that three is greater than two. But that sort of simple, dismissive arithmetic skirts the issue. Two dimensions are plenty. And now’s not the time to show your dimensional avarice. 

Have you ever worn 3-D glasses during a movie? It’s not a pleasant experience. They never fit perfectly and that little piece of cardboard rests uncomfortably over the bridge of your nose, creating a noticeable indentation. The sort of red mark strangers and dear friends alike will use to belittle and berate you. They won’t listen to you explain your deep love for movie theatre butter, its phosphorescent glow evoking the positive memory you had witnessing a toxic spill as a child. Superfund? I don’t think so. Superfun is more like it. But with a line across your blemished schnoz – a cinematic mark of the beast – you won’t be taken seriously. Let’s say that your nose doesn’t rise to the occasion. Okay, wonderful. Simply wearing 3-D glasses is enough to make a person nauseated. And another thing: if we’re living in three dimensions, why do I need a pair of cheap specs to perceive it? Think about it.   

As long as we’re on the subject of movies, it’s worth taking a moment to analyze the gorgeous simplicity of a movie set. You don’t need to build an entire town to make a film about one. You just need a few façades to do the trick. Why erect a building when all people really care about is the front? Nothing that a few well-cut pieces of plywood and an uneventful trip to Home Depot can’t solve. It worked on The Twilight Zone. 

I can sense this is a problem already. You want to be seen in your fullest form. Which is understandable. But another dimension will only cause more questions. Think of all the people who were completely satisfied existing in two-dimensions. Everyone from Daffy Duck to Delacroix didn’t stop and wonder whether they were going through life shortchanged. Seems a little premature to think you deserve that much more. This isn't 4-D chess. It's barely checkers.