Words hurt

When I’m bored and confused, which is early and often, I return again and again to the power of words. Words are like people. Some are good, some are bad, and others are just plain misunderstood. But the way people judge words is all wrong. Free speech is a luxury we can’t afford right now. Like a gold toilet or a diamond frying pan, it’s simply too much to bear. Maybe one day, all three will be a big part of our lives. But not today and certainly not tomorrow. 

You’re probably thinking, “with so many words in the dictionary, how am I supposed to know which ones are bad?” The good news for you is that I’ve developed a full-proof system. Honing it over many years by leafing through numerous books – coming into contact with bad words so you don’t have to. 

When judging whether or not a word is good or bad, the first thing you want to do is count the letters. I cannot stress this enough. While some may tell you that it’s all about context, usage or alternate definitions, it usually comes down to syllables. The longer the word, the more it hurts. It’s basic logic. With about 200,000 words in the English language to choose from, you can’t be picky. Take a word like “geomorphology.” I can’t define it for you, but it’s far too long. It has a prefix, which is a problem. A word like that can weigh a person down, causing major problems. The way a backpack may injure your back, a word with too many letters can inflict real damage on your brain. It’s best to stay away. 

A safe rule of thumb is that any word longer than six letters (or the word “longer) is inherently problematic. Any word with a definition that’s problematic is also problematic. Short words like “evil,” “hurt” or “bad.” Words that mean bad things are themselves bad things. A word like carcinogen is itself bad and also too long. Doubly worrisome. 

Verbs are worse than adjectives, which are worse than nouns, which are much worse than conjunctions. But every part of speech has the capacity for evil. Prepositions usually get a pass from members of the speech Stasi. Not from me. Let’s examine a few sentences to prove it. “You’re going to jail.” This sentence makes zero sense without the “to.” “Jump into that volcano.” Take “into” away and you’re the next Evel Knievel crossing Mount Vesuvius on a motorcycle. Clear and cool. Add it back and you’re deep fried and charbroiled. See my point? 

Of course, in the right context, any good word can be used in a sinister way through sarcasm or irony. “Thanks.” An innocuous phrase that seems good at first glance. But imagine a road desperado cutting you off in traffic. After delivering the classic, “thanks” as they nearly cause a six-car pile-up. Now, thanks is bad. Thanks is very bad. 

So what do we do? We must evolve. We must return to the Hobbesian world that predated language. Grunting and sighing and clapping and coughing. These are the best methods to communicate. Words can only lead to more confusion and anger. Whatever you want to say, it’s better left unsaid.