Here to help

Are you not in the right state of mind to write right now? Do headlines and pop-up banner ads no longer keep your soul burning ? Incinerating good ideas with volcanic heat? Please reach out to me and I’ll take your job. While I’m currently aboard the SS Best Guy, my 75-foot yacht anchored somewhere between Corsica and Delaware, I can offer assistance. While I can’t get into specifics without risking my privacy, I would love nothing more than to help a stranger out. No one should be forced to work for a living. There are other things a person can do. Like learn to wash champagne off a boat’s keel. I too once preferred drinking port on the high seas – for what should be obvious, linguistic reasons. But that didn’t last long. Solar noon in the mid-Atlantic will disabuse anyone, even a swilling Lisbonian of port’s maritime utility. I want to offer my own skills and ability so anyone can focus on whatever matters most. I don’t want money. Though I need money. Yachts aren’t exactly an investment. You understand.

That’s not all I’m willing to do for my fellow aggrieved citizen, lost and anguished amid the world’s daily onslaught of madness. Does your house look foreign to you? Are you no longer moved by the sliding floorboards? Does your bay window seem strangely out of place? Do you feel like an invader in your own home? I’m here to help. I’ll take your home and whatever’s leftover in your fridge. You shouldn’t have to live anywhere you don’t feel comfortable. Try a Saturn for a little mid-afternoon shuteye. Just make sure the windows are cracked a bit. 

You see that croissant you’re eating. I’ll take it off your hands and put into my gullet. You shouldn’t have to eat something you’re not comfortable finishing. 

That paperweight on your desk. The one with the unusual design. It’s mine now. You’ve gone totally digital. Paperweights will just remind you of the past. And that’s something you don’t deserve. When you do ship it, wrap it well, since the slightest imperfection will force me to take it directly from the mailbox to the trashcan. 

Is your dog looking askance during early morning bouts of yoga? Send the pup my way. I’ll do what I can to bring him or her back to “canine cruising.” You shouldn’t have any responsibilities, especially those involving the welfare of other creatures. 

You may call me by my name. Or you can call me Joe Generous, on account of my generosity. You shouldn’t have to do anything that I can’t take care of.