Dolt of Personality

A lot of people ask me, why join a cult? It’s a good question, one you should ask before severing ties with everyone you’ve ever known and packing a small bag with several dozen pairs of underwear, wool socks and a few hearty granola bars. Come to me in your hour of inner turmoil and ask: “what’s in it for me?” The answer isn’t always readily apparent. It’s obscured, mildly frosted like a semi-healthy doughnut or a tacky shower door. Because for many, cults are all about the leader. A happily hirsute holy man standing atop a milk crate begging for followers with the assistance of a megaphone. 

Where are you amid such a spectacle? Wallowing at the bottom of a pit? Sometimes, that’s the case. Especially if the cult hasn’t yet turned a profit and the only suitable venue for a meeting is the ball pit of a crummy Chuck E. Cheese. Marriotts attract too many uninvited guests.    

However, cults are all about the people, the masses, as it were. Otherwise the leader’s just a solitary whack job ranting into the breeze. There are perks, too. You'll get a fun nickname and new clothes. The attire is usually loose fitting and fairly comfortable, accommodating those followers with an ever-expanding circumference. Making friends is a harrowing prospect on the outside. In a cult, it’s no problem. These are your people. People you can play dress up even when you’re not an extra in a wildly overbudget piece of cinematic decadence. Cecil B. DeMille may not have been a cult leader, but that was because he wasn't interested. It was right there for the taking. Who says Halloween is the one day a year for costuming? 

So if you hate yourself, try loving someone else. What’s the worst that could happen? Actually, don’t answer that. Cults provide moorings to the unmoored. Ideas to the inadequate. Facts to the freaks. Purpose to the doofus. And I’ve heard great things about their punch recipe. Besides great names, it’s the one thing all great cults share. That delicious beverage left to waft on the picnic table helps quicken the bonding process. Sweet, but not too sweet, ya know? It goes down easy and there’s no aftertaste. There’s no after-anything, but that’s another matter.