The Best and the Bitest

  

When it comes to falling asleep, promptly and without reservation, everyone has their own preferred method. Some count sheep. Others in the farming community, shear sheep they share their bed (and lives) with, making sweater after sweater until the zees (and allergies) eventually catch up with them. Then there’s opening the bedside drawer of sedatives, concocting the perfect recipe for a solid seven, climbing dangerously close to the hereafter for some much-needed shuteye. Like many civic-minded Americans, I turn on C-SPAN and watch congress do their thing to drift off to slumber. Right before my eyelids shut like a rusty bank vault, I have the same thought: “is this the best we can do? Are these people the best we have?”

In short, yes. We, as in people, send our finest to the marbled carpets of Washington, DC. They are homo sapiens sapiens deserving of a third and final sapiens. That's wisdom. But congress could be better. How? You might not be following. That’s okay. A few people have cancelled their subscription and sent their computers out a fourth story window by now. No worries. Read it on your phone then. I’ll give you a second to reboot.

Why are we only sending people to represent us? The country is crawling with critters and creatures craving to be categorized as citizens. A good number of us, even those who call themselves history lovers, tongue kissing the dogeared copies of the country’s founding documents in private, don’t know everything. They don’t know, for instance, that up until the 1920s, dozens of dogs served in congress. Did you know that? The first congressdog was a Georgian and Civil War veteran, J. Rupert Dogboy (originally Fido, he changed his name for the campaign. It’s hard to register for a political run without a last name). Wouldn’t you relish watching a filibustering fool lose his train of thought as a canine colleague tore at his exposed khaki cuff? There are tons of ways to object to something you find reprehensible, but few are more powerful than barking. 

Dogs aren’t perfect. They can be bought, just like people, with treats and head pats. But I’d rather see lobbyists stacked on pallets of Iams and Eukanuba, sorting out their remaining Petco rewards points instead of dealing with another banker for another cash bribe. No animal is faultless, so there were several notable biting incidents and a few urinations, one famously ruining Henry Cabot Lodge’s expensive right loafer. What few recognized at the time was how such behavior amounted to legitimate nonverbal objections. After Preston Brooks beat Charles Sumner with a cane, there were no calls to ban human beings from serving. Maybe there should've been. I can only imagine what an entirely canine congress would prioritize. Deadly fires would fall precipitously, with a sudden and massive federal expansion in hydrants. That’s but one example. We’re only left to wonder what else.

I know I’d feel a lot more comfortable knowing that Dogboys and Poochsteins were there, holding our species accountable for a change. Come to think of it, perhaps we’re already close. Have you seen some members of congress? Though many are more equine than canine, more reptilian than retriever, whatever they are – they’re not completely human. That much I’m sure of. And with that, there’s hope.