It will be scrawled across the cheeks of a sleeping friend in thick black Sharpie™. That way it can’t be too long – your resolution that is. Those cheeks are another story. People often make the mistake of adopting longwinded proclamations during the year’s infancy. Even a most corpulent friend only has a few inches for clear writing, forcing you to keep it simple. I say clear, because if it’s not legible, why bother? With a Sharpie™, you better have an idea of what you’re writing before you put to pen to skin. Pencils are much too sharp - you might as well tattoo them while you're at it. Erasing a word over someone’s upper lip is always a messy process. Should you need space for a footnote (proper citations are important even here) then feel free to use a neck roll or two.
What’s the alternative? Adding a few extra characters on social media for strangers and bots to ignore or ridicule? You deserve more than that from the citizenry. Someone other than you must also live with your annual choices – that’s how it works. Your decisions affect other people indirectly all the time, so why not make it formal? “I hope everyone had a nice, relaxing holiday break. Before jumping into these projects, say, Frank, what’s that on your face?” Ah, to be back in the office again. What a concept.
You’re likely stumped as to why you can’t just write on your own body. First of all, if you do it on the face, writing backwards is next to impossible. You're not Da Vinci. You're not even DiCaprio. Secondly, you need a witness to hold you accountable for whatever goal you set for the young year. Now that you’ve decided the approximate length of your New Year’s resolution, what’s next? The content, silly.
In between your buddy’s shallow apnea breaths, you get to work, straddling over the couch to scribble away. Always remember to date and sign your work. The obvious error many enthusiastic people make in the wee hours of January is to settle on a challenging resolution. There are a good deal of folks out there who want to “read more books.” That’s fair and would definitely fit even on the tiniest visage. Who are you reading for in the end? Yourself? Others? You could just say you read a lot of books without actually reading them. “Lie” is three letters and it leaves your friend a clean half of their face from which to lure another inspired individual. Plus, it's closer to the truth.
I can’t tell you what’s the right New Year’s resolution for you. I can only provide ones that have been tested in focus group after focus group and continue to poll very well all these years later. The sort of resolutions Rasmussen and Quinnipiac appreciate. What gives Frank Luntz butterflies on a cold day. Wear funny hats. Sing less. Dance on tables. Talk to objects. Cry over nothing. Surprise yourself. Never apologize. Never compliment. Never encourage. Whatever it is, keep it short. Unless your pal has a head like Dom DeLuise (but hopefully not the beard, which are famously difficult to write on), you have three to five words.
Make ‘em count.
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