Gameus Interruptus

 

When Albert Einstein first proposed the theory for general relativity, it had less to do with complicated math than putting things in perspective. It’s the reason Al grew his hair out or rode a bicycle through Princeton’s main quad. He was attempting to defy expectations among the faculty and student body. The stranger he looked and acted, the more he’d be taken seriously. This is why restaurants serve palate cleansers. Not because these tiny plates of amusing bouches are all that tasty alone and unadorned by menu explanations. It’s that they help put your dinner in its proper perspective. You can’t possibly be asked to enjoy three courses of interesting flavors without tasting something subpar in between.

 

And this, my little sports fiends, is the purpose of sideline reporters, whose specialty is interrupting the high drama of the game for useless inanities. 

 

“What are you thinking right now, coach?”

“We’re losing, so we need to score more.”

 

“What was going through your head on that play?”

“How I’d respond when you asked me about it.”

 

“This team never gives up.”

“It’s part of their collective bargaining agreement.”

 

Fans typically become incensed by the presence of a microphone on the sidelines or in the dugout, peppering coaches and players with questions while the action is happening mere feet away, unseen and unheard by a rapt audience at-home. This calculated technique only adds to the drama, creating a situation that puts people on the edge of their upholstery. You’re not meant to learn much from these exchanges. You’re meant to become full of rage and at the exact moment you’re ready to toss your devices into an open sewer, abandoning your fandom for more intellectual pursuits, the camera pans back to the game. Treating your emotions like a dime store yo-yo is what television executives have long understood. Because now, you aren’t going anywhere, too afraid to miss a second of the action. 

 

It's irrelevant what is happening on the field, only that something is happening on the field. You breathe a sigh of relief, lean back onto those well-worn cushions of yours and lock in for the remainder of the game. Broken and defeated yourself, the sport always wins.