Welcome to Olive Garden. I can tell you’re eyeing the endless pasta bowls and the long caravan of bottomless breadstick baskets. You’ve been here before, I take it? But not like this. For decades, we Olive Gardeners toiled in the soil of hyperbole, making promises no honest person could keep.
That all changes tonight, with this dinner. Your dinner. Think of it like a pilot meal. A multi-course apologia making up for our collective shame. In the Before Times, breadsticks and pasta weren’t truly endless. It was up to the diners when to throw in the napkin and live to eat another carbohydrate. However, now we’re seeing more clearly, through lenses of alfredo sauce.
Endless means endless. When you enter Olive Garden, you’re entered paradise. And there’s no getting out. Not until we’re satisfied you’ve given it everything you have. The food keeps coming, for eternity. The good news is that within our new dining model, there is no business model. So don’t worry about the bill. Since it never comes.
But you’re expected to eat, you’re not expected to leave. Fast food was a sad commentary on society, whereas this isn’t quite the slow food movement, but it’s closer. It’s a movement where food comes at reasonable speeds, only it never stops. There’s no ability to tap out or wave off the breaded procession. You can sleep, for a time. Our waiters will wake you and feed you.
When you’re here, you don’t need family. You have entrees to fill the void.
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