Cold Ones

 

 

Hi and welcome to “Cold Ones.” The web show where celebrities drink five beers with increasing ABV as the host, sprinkles in mindless questions as their inhibitions slowly begin to loosen. Here’s a look back at the summer’s best interview.

 

[First beer: 0.0 ABV]

 

Nice. Quite smooth. As I was saying backstage, I shot this movie in the south of France last year…

 

You were once quoted saying that “films are moving pictures but actors are the ones who have to constantly move. It’s why I have a house in Lake Como, Malibu, Bermuda, etc.” What did you mean?

 

Um, it means that real estate is complicated, which is why I assembled a team to handle my various properties around the globe. My new film is called "Enough Already." I think you'll be pleased.

 

[Second beer: 4.4% ABV]

 

Not bad. Tastes a bit like water. 

 

You haven’t won an Oscar. Why?

 

I’ve never been nominated. That’s probably the biggest reason. But this last film I shot might change all that…

 

Is it true that early in your career you actually competed against livestock for parts during so-called “cattle calls”?

 

Once. It was a tractor commercial. Like I was saying, France is an amazing place to shoot a film.

 

[Third beer: 5.7% ABV]

 

Ah, better. This might be my favorite.

 

According to trip manifests, you visited Epstein’s Island several times between 2005 and 2015. What was that like? 

 

Islands are pretty much all the same. Unless of course you’re there during hurricane season, which thankfully, I never was. Not unlike the location of my newest film. We also had some island shots in the Mediterranean. 

 

[Fourth beer: 7.1% ABV]

 

Not for me. But my new film is very much for me. As you might expect. It’s about a lonely man in a complicated world who dons spandex to save it. It’s rather deep, considering the subject matter. 

 

But here’s something that was for you. When you were in college you marched with Fashionable Fascists, with the slogan “dress the same, think the same.” 

 

I couldn’t afford clothes, and the group subsidized my wardrobe. You might even say it was my first acting gig. But my latest acting gig was something special. 

 

[Fifth beer? Maybe not beer: 10.2% ABV]

 

Revolting. Tastes like motor oil. 

 

So you’ve tried motor oil, have you?

 

My father was a mechanic. He actually has a small role in the film. 

 

We have a tradition here at “Cold Ones” where guests are asked to reveal their darkest, innermost secrets. We promise to turn the cameras off. It’s a show of respect and trust. Meanwhile, please drink this mystery beverage. 

 

What’s in it? 

That’s all the time we have today. But good luck. Not sure if you have anything to plug, but this was a great experience. As always, stay hydrated and always interview responsibly