On Sunday, someone, somewhere left the front door open, as a pointed challenge to living in a free and open society. We’re not going to say who. We’re going to say “whom.” However, we still choose to abstain from naming the guilty party. This is a bigger issue than many of us realize. Far bigger than a single individual with a careless grip.
Here’s what we do know: doors should remain closed at all times. Yesterday was particularly humid and ACs cannot function to the best of their abilities unless there’s a firm seal everywhere in the home. Why would a door frame be exempted from that? Windows sure aren’t.
The critics of indiscriminately closing doors, slamming them if necessary, live in a dream world. By signing a counter-letter and defending their right to abjure ajar, they are eschewing the issue. We shouldn’t have to explain ourselves. But, these being unprecedented times, we will. There are more than a few problems with their position, as we’ll show in agonizing detail.
They claim that the presence of a screen door absolves them of guilt. This would be true in a perfect world where it’s 72 and sunny every day and no one ever steals umbrellas. I mean, flagrantly absconding with a handful of umbrellas that are neatly sorted in the foyer. Since it’s not even raining, the theft was about opportunity and not utility. And again, we don’t have central air, so any disruption to the climate creates a losing battle. Getting the temperature back to normal is a tireless activity, like dumping water out of small bucket in a sinking boat.
They claim that some doors don’t close entirely, challenging the premise of a true seal. Yes, we’ve heard of this. We watched Deadwood when it was trendy to do so. But saloon doors recall a time of abject lawlessness and terror.
They claim that even a slightly open door engenders goodwill in the community, welcoming passersby with compassion and friendliness. This is patently absurd. With a philosophy like this, you have no ability to fend off those pesky papering people handing out pamphlets and other typo-filled printed materials. Once you let them in, good luck getting them out. They’ll hole up in your crawlspace, climb into shelves or shimmy between pieces of furniture. The only way to appease them is to acquiesce to their demands. You might have to join a cult, join a softball league or agree to cut your lawn with a new service simply to get rid of them.
They claim that you can’t judge a door unless you address the type of wood used. Because every wooden door is a tree given a second chance. This doesn’t make any sense. Why should we care if something is pine, oak, or maple? The point is that it’s open and the dog might get loose. Look, we admit that redwood is extremely pretty, but that’s as far as we’ll go.
They claim that glass doors are the way forward. That way, you can shut out the world with a clear barrier, but still wave at people who walk by and aren’t completely alienated yet. But a glass door provides little in the way of privacy. It lets others see in. Unless you build a door like those one-way windows in Law & Order, we’re not going to entertain this as a viable option.
They reclaim wood for doors, scouring the beachfront for suitable flotsam. A door should be so tight that in an emergency you don’t even consider walking through it. You're not going to find those materials among the surf and shells.
They claim that many types of doors are left open all the time without any trouble. The very idea that a garage door is anything like a front door leaves a deep wound in our collective soul. Garage doors are left open to show everyone in town the expensive hot rod with a new coat of paint and fresh wax job you bought at auction. They aren't there to make friends though. They are there for coveting from afar, envying at a distance.
They best way to communicate with people you disagree with is to write an open letter. It's not to let them in your home and sit down over a bagel and a fresh cup of joe. Conversation runs the risk of finding common ground. And we wouldn’t want that. These people want to reframe history one door frame at a time. We’re here to stand in the way keeping out new ideas and so-called civility. Because we’re animated by the inanimate.
They want to live in a world where people try to get along, work out their differences, by first sharing salt and adult beverages. We’re here to close that idea down. Because openness is for clams, not doors.
Since we’re shut in, they should shut up.
SIGNED
Unhinged/NSA, Open Door Society Foundations
Ken Trance, The New England Journal of Carpentry
Bill Gate, The Washington Porch
Bobbi Entry, The Pittsburgh Porch-Gazette
Carson Fentz, Knob & Gun
Daniel Postern, ORIFICE Media
Jiminy Wicket, The Chicago Vestibule
Narciso Thex, The Knockefeller University
Hallway & Oates, Door Quarterly
Davy Socket, Outlet Magazine
Lou Pole, The Door Street Journal
Matt Welcome, Narthex Monthly
Winifred Dow, The Provifence Journal
Arch Bunker, The Boston Gate
Weir Al Yankovic, The Newark Star-Ledge
Sill Mineo, Carports Illustrated
Brendan Behindthetimes, The Portal Boy, The Dusty Chronicle
Michael Doore, The Atlanta Door-jamb-Constitution
Michael Doore, The Atlanta Door-jamb-Constitution
Spinal Flap, The Philadelphia Windowquirer
Ira Pass, KnobPR
Ali La Porte, Sydney Ringing Herald
Margaret Hatcher, Venthouse
John Vault, Atlas Shut
E. Gress, Doorway Today
I.N. Gress, The Dallas Turning Doors
Rex Itlane, The Doorbell Institute
John Thresh, The Garage County Register
Rory O’Pening, The Varnish Times
Mort Hole, The Minneapolis Ajar-Tribune
Emily Brasure, The Chicago Door-Frames
Billy Pathgate, The New York Porch
Unhinged/NSA, The Village Choice
Lyle Turns, The Frame Dealer
Ring Crosby, The Detroit Free Pass
John Lock, Daily Nail
Charlie Traplin, The St. Louis Porch-Dispatch
Connie Course, The Seattle Porch-Intelligencer
Lobby Kennedy, The New Orleans Door-Sticayune
Clive Way, Escape Gazette
Tom Foyer, The Arizoning Republic
Marquis Les Ignition, The Denver Porch
Deck Clark, The Sacramento Dee
Ava Enue, The Revolving Door
Clark Vent, The Hartford Circular Saw
Sir Thomas Dorestep, Princeton Column
Costanza Nection, The Metropolitan Museum of Door Parts
Christopher Guestibule, The Miami Sun-Entryway
Drew Bridge, PORTICO
Orestes I. Fice, The Columbus Disporch
Sean Duit, The Sand Paper Mercury News
The Ingang of four, Warner Music Stoop
The Ingang of four, Warner Music Stoop
Sal Inletz, Grate Magazine
Unhinged/NSA, The Opener
Wade Berth, The San Francisco Conduit
Harry Bore, HuffPorch
Tracy Outletts, Playsill
Père Ture, The Doorbonne
Billy Fire Escape, The Los Angeles Doors
Entrée Cool, drummer, Green Way
Cousin Adit, The Sill
Jack Cess, Jezedoorbel
Babe Route, Sheen Vogue
Carmen Veranda, FIRED
Ken Approach, KnockKnock
Roz Past, Hardware University
Chuck Open, Univeristy of New Jambshire
Henry David Portico, Texas Revolver
Colin O’Nade, St. Patio’s Cathedral
Ramsey Ada, Passagechusetts Institute of Technology
Unhinged/NSA, The Entercept
Porch Plimpton, The Paris View
Lanny Ai, The Brooklyn Botanic Guardrail
Tori Anne, Condé Knock
Close Scaggs, Steve Carpenter Band
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