The Earth is Fat

There are many theories concerning the Earth. Unfortunately, the age of the planet remains just out of reach. We’re left to wonder how old it really is in absence of gray hair or other obvious signs of aging like irritability and the insistence that The Honeymooners is the greatest show in TV history. But most of the theories are, for reasons that defy basic comprehension, focused on its shape. Like children playing with blocks, we can’t get enough of these tired and ancient arguments. However, shape alone doesn’t tell you much. You have your round earthers in one corner, who take their cues from dead thinkers, rarely doing any legwork themselves. Flat earthers believe the planet’s an unleavened piece of geologic matzah, spinning through space like a lost flyer for guitar lessons.

There are others, too. The bagel earthers, with their strong commitment to both breadiness and holiness. What they lack in photographic evidence, they more than make up for in passion. There are other groups who borrow the language of the bakery to present their case for the Earth’s unique shape. There are the croissant earthers, with their commitment to distinct layers, believing that the Earth’s core is a natural oven. The type of thing Paul Hollywood daydreams about in between seasons, wishing one day he too could visit for an exhilarating and infernal test bake. And then, there are the garlic knot earthers, who see every rock formation as twisted dough and every tree as a sprig of parsley.

The Earth isn’t flat, it’s fat. Because shape isn’t what’s important. No one ever says, “you gotta meet Dave, the man’s a scalene triangle.” “Seriously? He was a rhombus last time we hung out.” “Things change. People change. What do you want me to say?”

Nothing. Of course, a few ornery individuals will excuse the planet’s girth because of its comfortable, cushy residence within the solar system. Claiming that weight doesn’t matter when following the strict guidance of the sun. Mass is their primary concern. Who needs to worry about exercise when gravitational forces can do it all? I wish that were true. The Earth lacks the freedom we cherish. Just once, don't you think it would like to take a new route, a different way home. Even I change up my commute every so often.

We’re not helping with our tall buildings and mountain worship either. The Earth needs to trim some of its excess material. What’s continental drift if not an overwhelming sign of planetary malaise? I didn’t watch several hundred poorly articulated and poorly lit YouTube videos to come to this conclusion. I noticed some cracks in the sidewalk. I noticed some sinkholes, natural disasters and other clear cries for help. 

The Earth lashes out at us and yet, we keep feeding it, encouraging its worst impulses. It's in pretty bad shape. But what shape isn't what matters.