What not to watch

9:30 AM (AMC) PASS THE SALT (1982)

Sodium-obsessive and captain of condiments, Nick Noriega (Timothy Hutton) ruins dinner, and his life in the process, when girlfriend Ella (Mary Steenburgen) offers him freshly milled Iranian pepper at the table. Noriega absconds in a huff, leaving his parents (Bob Hope & Betty Davis) to care for his unnamed greyhound (barked by Mel Blanc). Noriega, traveling the country on foot, gets stranded in Grand Forks, North Dakota during a blizzard. The streets are all frozen and the town is out of rock salt. Can he help? Will he help? Tune in to find out. 

11:00 AM (OWN) O’s CANADA 

Oprah interviews a mounted cavalcade of noteworthy Canadians on what Canada Day (July 1) means to them. Everyone from Neil Young, Eugene Levy and Bill Shatner to several camera-shy scientists living up in frostbitten Yellowknife. The show gets a little pear-shaped when O mentions her admiration of wild man and rebel, William Lyon Mackenzie, former president of the Republic of Canada and leader of the rebellion of 1837. No one knows how to respond and the program ends abruptly on a painting of Mackenzie swimming nude across the Niagara River. 

2:15 PM (HBO) DON’T OPEN THE TRUNK

What’s that sound? Who is that sound? These are the questions batted back and forth between two brothers, Mario (Eddie Murphy) and Jake Westhover (Michael Keaton). They were raised to never open trunks, closets, crawlspaces or cider jugs without asking for permission. The sounds are too loud to ignore. Something’s clanging. Something’s ringing. It’s a genie, of course. Mickey Rooney originally passed up the role, leaving it on an aluminum platter for Danny DeVito. 

5 PM (ESPN) THE HOT DOG BOY CHAMPIONSHIPS

Prior to the more famous hot dog eating contest, here we see hot dog boys prior to their transformation into hot dog men. The rules are rather esoteric, if indecipherable. The judges want to see anything that immediately screams, “hot dog boy.” Past winners have impressed them by dressing up as golden retrievers on a sweltering day, panting and lifting their legs for effect. The homemade fire hydrant was a nice touch. You can be a hot dog, eat a hot dog, embody the essence of a hot dog. But no one’s quite sure why. 

8 PM (CBS) CHRISTMAS IN DECATUR, ILLINOIS (1993)

Decatur, Illinois, was founded by Santa’s little helpers. This documentary interviews the pointy-eared rascals, now that they’ve left the North Pole for their shot at the American Dream. Tom the Elf, a former shop steward, sums things up rather nicely, “Up there, we were Kringle’s minions. But down here, we’re just like everyone else. We’re Americans.” The film veers into the mildly political with some loose discussion about climate change and how that will affect the future of Christmas.    

10:45 PM (SHO) HALF EMPTY AND OUT OF BREATH (1979)

Rita Paisano (Lily Tomlin) is fed up. She’s broken out of prison a record 18 times – and that doesn’t even count all the times she’s escaped custody. The head of the Scranton crime family and role model for little girls everywhere, Paisano rules by resorting to very little bloodshed. Her main lackey Federico (Bruno Kirby) does most of her dirty work. Which, interestingly enough, includes plenty of trips to the laundromat to get out the toughest of stains. It’s unclear if Tide produced the film, but worth considering  since most scenes contain some reference to the detergent’s “superior quality.” In the climax, Paisano, upon discovering Feddy’s treachery, ties him to the roof of his car, a beat-up VW Rabbit. Both characters trade “tide” puns back and forth (I’m really tide up at the moment; I never wanted to be tide down by the mob; When the cops question me, I’ll say you tide of natural causes). The story unravels from there.