As a non-parent, I firmly believe that I have something new to offer the current debate around education. I have no dog in the fight. I don’t have a dog in the yard either. Although, it’s not a bad time to buy one. Nevertheless, let me first say, I’m not an expert. I know very little about academics, school lunches, or unions. When the third subject does come up, I’ll often relay an amusing story about the Civil War exploits of Gentle George Meade or Stone Cold Steve Burbridge. But after spending a few minutes thinking about schools, I’ve come to the painful conclusion that it should be cancelled indefinitely. No remote classes and no in-person ones either. Not for health or safety reasons, but for the good of everyone. Not for a couple overloaded municipalities, but on a national scale. It’d be refreshing to one day walk by a school in the middle of the afternoon and not be bombarded by the incessant cicadian buzz of juvenile shrieks coming from the playground. What exactly makes yelling so cathartic? Surely that’s a question worth pondering further.
You see, Kids today are far too smart for their own good. They’re great with computers and other handheld devices. They learn languages no one teaches them and have second sight when it comes to navigating mobile apps. Me? My thumb gets sore after a single multi-text exchange. Recovery mode is something I know far too much about. This generation is going to be perfectly fine. But what about people who came of age with dial-up or worse? Who speaks for them when these little wizards come pouring into workplaces like mad geniuses ready to take on the world and their jobs?
Frankly, they could use a year off. Think about it. If we’re all running a race and that race is about mastering technology, these miniature maestros are way ahead. While I’ve accepted that they’re going to win no matter what, all I’m asking is a bit more time. This will keep most of us in the game.
What will a year off do? Not everything, I know that. But it will make things more competitive in the years to come. It’ll put these kids in a position of confusion. They will wake up unsure of themselves and their future. This is exactly what we want. After decades of promoting the unexamined worship of self-esteem, a little correction is in order. It’s never too early to learn coping mechanisms for pressure and anxiety.
Of course, I’d be breathtakingly naïve to ignore the distinct possibility that one of these knee-high nerds could use the year off to do something truly spectacular. Without the repressiveness of hovering schoolmarms, it’s not inconceivable that some diminutive dweeb working in his grandfather’s garage builds a teleportation booth. But I can’t worry about that now. It’s a risk we’re all just going to have to take. This is all about leveling the playing field for us old folks to stay relevant. The idea that a pint-sized Poindexter somewhere might use this time off to his or her benefit mustn't distract us. This should buy us a little time before industries start putting everyone over the age of 35 out to pasture.
Many of these kids have never seen a green thing that wasn’t drenched in olive oil, so the break will be good for them in terms of communing with nature. While they’re not reading, I’ll be poring over source code. It’s my only hope. Parents must resist the urge to homeschool, as well. Who are you to play Teacher? God?
I can understand the pushback to this type of proposal. It seems petty and ultimately futile. It’s both. Do you have a better idea? Plus, kids are quite resilient. They’ll be ready when their time comes. But does it have to be right now? If they’re going to win anyway, how about we focus on preventing a blowout.
Since most sports have given up playing defense, it's about time someone else did.
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