I get it

I’m right. About that thing you’re having a tough time comprehending, as well as that other thing that thankfully comes more easily. There’s that huge story in the news right now that’s taking up all the oxygen. It’s like a petty Buzz Aldrin hoarding canisters while his supposed buddy dances free on the moon parquet. This story is everything. There’s not a column that ignores it for more than few introductory inches – that’s all you’re allowed to not say. It’s big and it’s only getting bigger. Most people are having trouble following it. “What are they saying? Should I have gone to grad school? Honey, what’s this word mean? I can’t find my dictionary anywhere.”

Not me though. Since I already did the work, I don’t have to do any better. I toiled in the best of faith and worked at it until everything made perfect sense. What a relief. Given that I’m in a really good place right now, I might shove off early and go out for an egg cream. I deserve it.

But what about all the complicated formulas and high-level mathematics embedded in each retelling? Or the people who’ve devoted their lives to tackling these seemingly unsolvable problems? Good for them, I guess. But why should I apologize when understanding comes naturally. I didn’t try to get it, I just got it. There was no need to line my walls with thick textbooks and pore over countless articles. It’s pretty easy when I think about it.

There were times, not too long ago, when I had my doubts. Questions. Problems. Issues. They weighed on me like a bulky Jansport, challenging my vertebrae to do better.

But not anymore. Everything sort of clicked all at once. I found a nice hill to live on and go about my business, landscaping, pruning, cultivating the land. The kind of thing a person with a lot of free time does. And I recently confirmed that I have no biases. Good for me, right?

You’re probably thinking that there must be things I don’t fully understand. That I can’t possibly know the intricacies of building a raft from palm trees. I don’t have to know. I only have to know I’m right. At one time, there was an internal debate going on in my mind between myself and the little man in my head. But since I’ve sedated him through methods I don’t feel comfortable revealing, my level of uncertainty has evaporated to zero. He’s not someone I consult anymore. When I see the morning sky, I know it’s blue. Everything else is essentially the same. No analysis needed. No supplemental reading required.

My instincts just so happen to always be right. But I should really get going. I met a hitchhiker on the side of the road this morning and he volunteered to sharpen my kitchen knives. How lucky am I?