Here are my demands

 

Before I return to work in an actual office (not some weird home style reproduction), riding on the actual subway (instead of my neighborhood’s endless cavalcade of sturdy feral cats), touching my actual face (not a ripe desk melon), alongside actual coworkers (and not dozens of bobblehead dolls eerily resembling them), I have a list of demands. Demands that aren’t up for debate. They’re up for promulgation.

Over the past few months, I’ve grown accustomed to not commuting and taking my sweet, sweet time waking up. Because of this, I’d like to see every office have a 4:1 pillow-to-person ratio. Productivity is ideally measured in goose feathers. I want to feel right at home there. Don’t you?

I don’t care what it takes or who it takes to install, but I want grass in the hallway. That means real sod, with dirt, worms and the random musket ball. No more cheap knockoffs like the stuff that’s tearing tendons at Tropicana Field. We want something to run our fingers through. Too much to ask? 

 

The lighting in offices has always bothered me. As much as it would be dangerous to replace every lamp with thousands of candles, I think we should do it anyway. A big meeting should mirror the biggest musical numbers in Amadeus. Same intensity, same luminosity, different ending.

I don’t want any disagreements. So if you do disagree with someone, agree instead. Here, let me show you how it’s done:

“I can’t believe this weather. Lord, how I hate the rain.”

When you hear this, you're disturbed. The rain is your salvation. You love plant life and swear by the so-called street shower at the hands of Zeus. But you can’t say that now. To say that now would be to disagree and create a potential office conflict. Here’s what you say.

“Me too. The rain is, the rain is a problem. I wouldn’t have minded the shower, but I left my shampoo at home.”

Disagreements cause problems. But you know what never causes them? Marbles. Enormous bowls of marbles. Since it’s commonplace to complain about your lost marbles or the missing ones of others, it’s only logical to stock offices with these little glass balls.

No more dry erase boards - chalk only. There’s a reason it’s a staple of education. The fumes produced by chalk get the creative juices flowing, or maybe they block those juices from flowing. Whatever's the case, let's make the switch.

Candy callously lines reception desks, enticing employees with dreams of chocolate, sugar and promises of paradise. We need a more diverse array. Bread tray, meat plate, garlic platter. I’m sure there are vegetarians comforted by the knowledge that they never wittingly take a life. A nice thought – if it were true. Because anyone who’s had the honor to gaze at an elephant clove of garlic knows one thing for sure – this was once an animal.

My list of demands is ongoing, adding and never subtracting items. I pray someone’s listening.