Sensitivity Reeds

  

“That was a poor choice of words.”

 

“Should you really be saying ‘poor’ in this context?”

 

“That was a terrible play on words.”

 

“I wouldn’t say ‘play’ if I were you. It evokes whimsy.”

 

“That was a bad choice of words.”

 

“But it was your choice. And now, you must live with it.”

 

The aforementioned quotes are among the endless list of phrases running through my mind at all times. They continuously scroll like a movie with too many Key Grips and Best Boys, seemingly bestowing credit on half the population – anyone who passed craft service during filming and extended so much as an eye roll to the line producer. “And thanks to Bubby for his untoasted bagels. That was just what we needed to rewrite Act 2.”

 

It pays off to be safe, to be anxious. The world would be a much better place if people were a bit more sensitive. Let your dear rhino friends keep their thick skin while you do the hard work of thinning out. Having a thin skin implies you’re connected to reality in a clear and intimate way.

 

Over the years, there have been plenty of global techniques for stoking sensitivity and most involved the feet. Racing across hot coals. River dancing on a bed of nails. Galloping over broken beer bottles. Sashaying through a scorpion colony. But the finest method for dealing with insensitive citizens, those members of society who wouldn’t tear up at the sight of a schmaltzy hieroglyph, came from Ancient Egypt. And it also involved the feet. Sensitivity trainers would wade into the shallowest parts of the Nile retrieving the best-looking reeds. Reeds that give you goosebumps by sight alone. Then they’d take them back to town and proceed to tickle the bare feet of these difficult characters for hours on end. More often than not, it worked. The recipients began to watch not only what they said, but where they walked, too. 

 

Now I’m sure you can already see the problems with recreating this today. With our fixation on socks and shoes (foot masks, as it were), most people won’t willing to let their feet (leg hands, as it were) be subjected to such alleged humiliation. The best reeds in America are found in the Garden State's Meadowlands, amid unparalleled suburban decay and painful memories of the New York Jets. Interestingly, the Jets have arguably the most sensitive fanbase in the league, beaten down by years of poor performance and terrible management. But it’s hard enough getting people to remember to take their shoes off at the airport. Socks seem like a lot to ask.

 

Yet we could use sensitivity reeds in 2020. Is it any wonder that reeds helped create a whole branch of musical instruments? If you won't let government bureaucrats tickle your feet with long strips of Jersey vegetation, I guess that's all right. Would you just listen to Kenny G instead?