Patriot Acting

Have you ever done stand-up comedy?

No.

Ever worked in a dingy club where everyone in the audience was drunk?

No.

Have you ever put your career in another man's hands, asked him to put his career in yours? Ya know, like Abbott and Costello. 

No.

We make up stories. We make up stories or people don't laugh. It's that simple. 

I just have one more question. Did any of the things you talk about in your act ever happen? 

You want anecdotes? 

I want the emotional truth.

You can’t handle the emotional truth.

Madam, we live in a world that has stages, and those stages get walked across by people with nothing funny to say. Who's gonna do it? You? Jimmy Fallon? I have a greater responsibility to the audience than you can possibly fathom to fabricate a series of events that make me appear like a hero. You weep for Louis CK, and you curse the other comedians. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know -- that Louis CK’s demise, while pointless, probably saved laughs; and my career, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves laughs.

You don't want the emotional truth because deep down in places with a two-drink minimum, you want me on that stage -- you need me on that stage.

I use phrases like "true story" and "this actually happened to me.” I use these phrases as the backbone of a life spent crafting meaningful jokes that rely on the prospect of authenticity to prove an underlying point about politics or society. You use them as if I’m being serious. 

I have neither the time, I’m getting the light now, nor the inclination to explain myself to a woman who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very humor that I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it.

I would rather that you just said "hilarious" and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a marble notebook and get on stage yourself.