How’s everyone doing this morning? I don’t care. What you should care about is how I’m doing and only that. Nobody has seen the light like me since Jesus found himself running a forty on water. I heard he was pretty fast for a non-athlete. Some say I’m messianic, I disagree. That’s like saying I’m messianish. The truth is much clearer. I’m somewhere between the Holy Ghost and the Big Man. You may look to my subpar record last year and see it as some sort of indictment of my coaching abilities. Not so. Who else could go 4-8, finishing 1-7 and still garner the cover of Sports Illustrated, a profile on 60 minutes and numerous other examples of puff piecery?
Nobody. That shows my greatness. I don’t need to win to win. Got that? But first, allow me to lay down a few ground rules regarding my relationship with you, the press. I don’t take questions. I give sermons and it’s your job to give affirmation. I’m not a young man, so getting used to tough questions at this age is an unreasonable demand. I am who I am. You can compliment me, encourage me, laugh at my jokes, and rationalize my boorish behavior. What you can’t do is dig into the reasons behind any questionable acts. The answer is right here in prime time.
In the end, I’m doing you all a favor. This will save you time, money and stress. There are wars going on and other more important things for you to focus on. Let me run my football team the way I want and there won’t be any problems.
Now, if you’d let me, I’d like to lead the room in a short prayer.
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