When I was asked to present this prestigious award on the way to the ceremony tonight, I must admit that I hesitated at first. I’d never heard of the recipient, the award, or the venue. Was I really the best person to do this? It was put in no uncertain terms that I was the only choice. Not the first choice, but now the only choice. There were a few things working in my favor. The honoree has no friends, family, or colleagues willing to do it, I was staring at a rather lucrative offer, as well as the shapely threat of a possible weapon. What did I have to lose?
So I might add, it’s an honor to be here tonight. Every day someone, somewhere receives an award. It’s usually made of plastic, or metal, rarely gold. It’s manufactured somewhere the laws against child labor are necessarily lax.
I’m sure you’re a great actor, or a greater bowler, or something of equal value to society. This is a special night and for many in the audience, I’m sure this is the whole reason they let you out of the
I don’t know who you are, why you’re here, or what you’re doing. But I now know why I’m here, to someday be a similar position, with a well-compensated stranger singing my praises in front of a half-drunk audience noshing on bland crudités.
Thank you. I’ll see myself out.
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