Fizz Off

Unless you’re living under a rock, mossy and worm-covered, there’s nowhere to hide from hard seltzer. The advertising push is reminiscent of the allied invasion of Normandy. Although, your rock home may be close to an as of yet undiscovered carbonated geyser. And if that’s the case, then the sheer dominance of hard seltzer knows no limits. For me, the whole thing is hard to figure.

The appeal of carbonation is understandable though. It’s the same reason you become transfixed on gymnasts during gymnastics competitions. All that tripping and hopping, flipping and flopping. We like to see stuff bounce back and forth. It's practically human nature. But for most of us, the time to concentrate on chalked up people jumping to and fro is, at most, once every four years. Now we’re supposed to imbibe bubbling beverages each night, filling our bodies with air. Where do you think balloons come from? You assume they aren’t erstwhile human beings, stretched to their anatomical capacity after one too many evenings in the sofa, chugging bottle after bottle of a borderline liquid. That's just a hunch. You haven't seen the evidence of the lack of broken down and deflated balloon people, stealing the show at parades all over Main Street.

Look, you want to eat air? Fine. Eat air. Then grab a knife, a fork and an open mouth. I’ll even provide the place settings while you lap up whatever’s in front of you. But if you want to drink water, drink water. That’s it. Products like seltzer, hard or otherwise, are bottled with hubris. I’m no fan of labels, but liquids and gases should be separate. When we start futzing with science, we get in trouble. 

You want a nice drink? One that’s in no way obtrusive but may lack a certain cultural cachet? Try flat water instead. Is flat beer that bad? Bubbles imbue beverages with a sense of unwanted urgency. What if I want to nurse this glass over the next four hours? Flat drinks, like people, remain unchanged. Consistency you can count on from pour to pour.

Flatness is a virtue. We can argue about the efficacy about certain geo-centric theories. But one thing is clear, whether or not the earth is flat, the earth should be flat. Who wants hills or mountains, valleys or gorges? Give me a straight line to the horizon and a full tank of gas. That's a planet I can get behind (or on top of).  

Are you in that much need of entertainment that you have to look for it in the bottom of your pint glass? If you simply must indulge in tasteless air eating, do it once every four years.