Shortcuts

I’m constantly looking to cut corners. Turn the wheel with such panache that I pop onto the curb and flatten a tiny patch of grass, making it clear to the future curbside gardeners that botanical intrigues are best left on the other side of the sidewalk. I take wide turns, okay? It’s the one thing still ingrained from years of baseball. The problem is, of course, that plenty of pedestrians enjoy taking a wide lead, too. But hey, I suppose therein lies the fun. 

Our lives aren’t nearly as efficient as they should be. But they could be. If only I was in charge. There are obvious time wasters, sucking precious sand from the many hourglasses resting precariously on sills, ledges and fridges scattered around our multi-surfaced homes.  

I misspent my younger years as a young fashioniste – poring over periodicals with glossy covers and thick double page insets seeking inspiration. But who can keep up with the whims of style? The German and French accents are usually much too thick to understand.  It’s why I wear one outfit all the time now, showering fully clothed with big dollops of both shampoo and detergent. Outdoor carwashes are my summertime salvation. I hang myself out to dry for a bit afterwards, which takes longer than you think, especially in the colder months when the heat isn’t working to the best of its ability. But the net net saves me about 15 minutes a day - which is definitely worth it. Plus, I give off the eerie sartorial superiority of a superhero.

I stop watching movies at around the 90-minute mark regardless of plot. I never eat anything larger than a pear. I’ve given up explaining anything to anyone. I skip napkins altogether, preferring curtains and my own hair instead. I never say please, thank you, or goodbye. 

I’d much rather be a life hack than hack life.