Group on

Are you looking for somewhere to hide but can’t seem to find a suitable environment? Your closet is full, overflowing with wool suit jackets and 19^th century night gowns. Good luck making enough room for a seat. The empty space under your front porch looked promising, until you met a family of squirrels who’ve decided to start a life there. There’s the garage, the shed, and the trunk of your second car (the one with a dead battery and a half-empty can of cola in the center console). Your bathtub is alarmingly spacious, but can a person really spend all their time that close to a faucet? Maybe. Maybe not. Your options are thinner than the Strait of Hormuz. 

On third thought, there is something you could do. Why not seek validation from other like-minded souls on a vibrant, borderline noxious online community, where your fears and insecurities are set aside in a forgotten window? 

Groups allow us to blend in. I know what you’re thinking – you’re not a joiner. I bet a lot of people believe that before joining a cult. But not every cult is right for you. You just have to find the one group of people that provides plenty of cover and water (at least more than your home’s stuffy crawlspace, where water damage can actually be a positive for once). With a group, you don’t have to be yourself anymore. You can play dress up. Think of it: an adult getting tattoos to match other wayward individuals. What a statement.

The biggest reason to join a group is that it’s cool. Cooler than leather jackets. Cooler than thick-rimmed sunglasses. Cooler than licking a stop sign on Groundhog Day while holding onto a jumbo slushie for dear life. Look at it like this: when you join a group you’re not a person anymore. You’re part of something bigger (or possibly much smaller). It depends on the microscope. You’re part of an amoeba, floating across society’s vast petri dish, making plans and changing shapes.You’re part of a blob, oozing down back alleys and crowded boulevards, drawing the attention of interesting folks and off-duty sanitation workers, concerned what a toxic spill of this magnitude will do to housing prices.  It doesn't get much better than that. Anything beats being yourself.