Like the clanging of an antique dinner bell, boy does “Washington Football Team” have a nice ring to it. I remember exactly where I was when I first heard it. But seeing as it’s a private place, call it a sanctuary of sorts, I’m under no obligation to reveal the location. What I can share is that up until the capital city franchise’s big announcement, naming has been an utter waste of time. It’s a process mired in excess. As a rule, and as a species, we overthink things. Maybe our pigskin pals can help change that, ushering in a new way of thinking. Their decision to go with a name like this instead of Chinless Clowns or Troglodytic Technocrats, was a brave one. It's not enough to love, or to hate. Which is the point. Indifference ought to be the goal. The blander the better.
For starters, I was thinking of what else could use a fresh naming refresh. There’s not a single facet of society that wouldn’t benefit from what I’ll refer to henceforth as the “Washington mindset.” Film producers waste other peoples’ money on focus groups and naming exercises in a silly attempt to find the perfect title. Why? Did Snakes on a Plane teach us nothing? Working titles have a blue-collar appeal that can’t be manufactured or contrived. Goodfellas didn’t lose out on Academy Awards to Dances with Wolves because of the Costner quotient. The film lost because it wasn’t entitled Mob Rat Movie.
Considering all the time we spend coming up with names, not doing so would free everyone up a little to concentrate on more important things. Like a more sustainable alternative to time travel or the addition of a metal spork to place settings at fancy restaurants. Our children aren’t immune either. We look to celebrities for guidance, since they are the ones who open their cupboard in search of an unusual appliance or rare snack food to avoid thrusting another Jaden onto the world. When wouldn’t a name like “Person” or “Human” suffice?
Parents pore over family histories and touchstones of popular culture, making endless lists of possible choices. All this is before the birth, when what they really should be doing is having fun one last time. If you’re asking “is Mortimer too old-fashioned?,” then perhaps parenthood isn’t for you. If you have multiple kids, go with “Human #2.” As any math professor worth his NaCl will tell you, you’re not going to run out of numbers anytime soon. What did the bureaucrat say to the two people arguing over their social security numbers? “There’s enough to go around.” Actually, that’s not a bad idea. Why not just use our SSNs as names? We're halfway there as it is. You see, these problems have an odd way of working themselves out.
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