Abandoning the Rat Race

It didn’t happen overnight. But it did happen at night. That’s when your best work gets accomplished. When you aren’t distracted by the scorching noon sun and high pitch screech of poorly oiled brakes. After nocturnal deliberation sessions lasting months, where you wrestled with important ideas and close friends, you were finally ready to make a decision. At first, you were worried what others might think. They’ll curse you, say you’re a coward and worse. But here you are: leaving New York City.

You didn’t plan on getting here so soon. Luckily, you’ve never been the luggage type. The baggage type, sure, but that’s different. You thought about leaving after Hurricane Sandy, but ultimately decided against it. You need to go where you’re wanted, where you’re appreciated. 

You’re a rat, after all. Most of your friends and coworkers are rats. You never imagined a time would arrive where you’d prefer the verdant lawns of suburbia to the darkened subway tunnels of the city’s massive underground labyrinth. Yet, there’s no turning back now. You’re gone, on your way out of the city for good. The Federal Government can’t help you anymore, despite all the work you’ve done to put away arch criminals stepping on the throat of the little guy. The Witness Protection program is compromised. Rats stand out in the crowd and are still at risk without providing information for the prosecution.

Rodentrification occurs when urban environments are no longer hospitable to this large underclass of critters. There will always be holdovers, those furry scurrying folks who have planted their flag well below 2^nd Avenue and will never leave. But this is not about them. If human beings follow the money, rats follow the garbage. And as things are presently constituted, there’s not nearly enough garbage to go around. These wide open spaces are destined not to be wasted, but rather, to be filled with waste. 

While there are city sentimentalists who oppose the movement of rats, this major transition gives other creatures an opportunity to relocate. The pigeons, the crocodiles, the feral cats. Heck, even some humans are looking at the spacious abodes beneath the street grid, believing that what they lack in natural light they more than make up for in lack of rent. With rats choosing life across the river and out of sight, there are others who’ve been waiting out their hold on so much of the city’s forgotten spaces. The great rat migration will change the complexion of the city and the ‘burbs, remaking America is profound ways.

You’re not abandoning life, you’re abandoning the rat race. It’s time to embrace a slower pace, where garbage is collected once a week and sewer floors are clean enough to eat off of. Not that dirt ever stopped you before. Good luck out there.