For reasons that shall remain mostly mysterious, I consider September the New Year. It’s a time of those first deadening leaves, backyard football, and when I begin sifting through large piles of questions from obsessive readers. These aren’t the questions I typically receive though. These are better questions – ones that I’ve gotten and promptly rewritten. They are replacements for the drivel that drips in through my cyber gutters, soaking my mainframe and dampening my digital domain.
What will become of prison currency if vaping replaces smoking?*
It will be harder to buy things in the joint. Prison isn’t the same these days, no sir. Whether an orange jumpsuit or blue denim overalls, most reasonable people agree – the black and white stripes were better. They were quaint, they were striking. They evoked man’s duality, good versus evil, and how neutral colors pretty much go with whatever botanical dreams the guards have for the communal yard. And cigs are up there, too. They’re cash in the can. Vaping can’t change that. Not yet. And they’ll always have cigars.
What the heck is a legal brief?**
Is it fair to say that lawyers are an odd breed? Yes, it’s quite fair. These are people (allegedly) who attend years of extra school, worship wood (gavels), and control the levers of justice. They are esquires, attorneys, and legal eagles. But it wasn’t always this way. To become a lawyer requires commitment to the craft of lawyering, where sacrifices aren’t beneficial but absolutely required. Because lawyers are supposed to think alike, they must also dress alike – but not until they pass the bar. If, and that’s an if the size of comprehensive book on torts, they pass, they receive a sacred undergarment, passed down from lawyer to lawyer through the ages. Yes, lawyers all wear the same type of underwear. Is it for luck? Is it for justice? Who knows for sure. Whatever the real reason, they’re called legal briefs.
Who were the real framers of the United States Constitution?***
They weren’t the names you’ve heard of. The Franklins, the Madisons, the Johnsons. They were nameless, faceless individuals, who knew that when framing a picture of any kind, it’s best to get a second opinion. That and a few extra nails. Finding a stud isn’t as easy as it looks. You need another person standing a few feet back to help make sure it’s level. Because the Constitution wasn’t written so much as it was well-hung.
People are always saying things like “Johnny is such a milquetoast fella” and “Johnny is such a milquetoast man,” and yet, I have no clue what the reference is. Am I missing something?****
Hardly. John Google will tell you that Caspar Milquetoast is the origin, a meek comic book character, whose staggering timidity transcended space and time. But that’s only half the story. Because milk toast is a real dish consumed by real people. They just don’t talk about it. They live it, eating it every day and wishing someone, somewhere would care.
I recently bought a jar of Quebecois honey and noticed the words “MIEL BLANC” were written across the label. What, if any, is the connection between honey and the man of a thousand voices, Mel Blanc?*****
This is a great question. I mean, good lord is this is a wonderfully thoughtful question. Boy, are my readers smart. Well done, pal. You are a keen observer of minutia. It’s a rather obscure and little-known fact, but the great Mel Blanc was actually raised by honeybees. His first recorded impression was of the Queen Bee, making him the undisputed hive clown. But Mel, or “Miel” by this time, preferred imitating the average worker bees, traveling from apiary to apiary, chewing the comb and grabbing yuks where he could. They’d become the basis of his most famous voices. While many in his generation worked the Borscht Belt, Blanc stayed in the Honey Belt, until fame came calling. The truth stings.
Original questions
*Who’s Jon (Jean??) Lennon?
**Do you know a good lawyer?
***Hungry?
****What’s my password?
*****Can you please pick up more maple syrup?
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