The Ides of Merch

I’m starting to get the sneaking suspicion that capitalism is spent. It’s tired, dying, and soon to be buried by the scurrying proles, shoveling peat in the countryside, currently and rather shamelessly operating tractors and bulldozers without licenses. It must be nice to ignore basic rules and regulations for construction and demolition. Because I can’t do it. Proper paperwork is essential. So let’s face facts, people: the invisible hand has a debilitating tremor. The good news, if you can call it that, is that it’s curable. We don’t have to resign ourselves to rotting under capitalism any longer.

The replacement of the system isn’t of much importance to me. It’s the abolition that matters. Capitalism has had a good run, lining our pockets with bouillon (it’s why God invented cargo shorts, after all. It’s not like you can comfortably fit gold bricks inside ordinary summer wear. Ducats chafe, ducats always chafe). 

I need to get the word out. The revolution is coming. Or maybe it’s already here? But how can I make my point that the economic system is crumbling and capitalism has wrought unfathomable strife on the populace? I’m not really sure. I’ll do it the only way I know how – through the sale of merchandise. You want to join the movement? Buy a t-shirt first. For a moderate sum, you can own any number of late capitalism clothes, creatively-sourced and poorly made. But why stop at t-shirts when fashion allows for a great deal more latitude and freedom? More freedom than whatever's going to replace the system. There are key chains, fanny packs, sunglasses, hats, visors, sweatbands, sweat suits, beach towels and beach umbrellas. And yes, there are cargo shorts, now capacious without pesky Fort Knox souvenirs sagging well below your ankle bracelet.  

The phrases on the shirts don’t make a lot of sense. “X Marx the spot.” “Well-red,” “Zap Cap” and my personal favorite, “Karl Baby” above a photograph of Karl Marx as a baby. But then again, they don’t have to. This movement will be won elsewhere, far from letterpresses and clotheslines. 

Cash, credit, Venmo, PayPal, Apple Pay, actual apples, and a firm handshake with lots of eye contact are all graciously accepted.