Conspiracy leery

I’m a regent of reason. A luminary of logic. A devotee of detachment. As all that and so much more, I’m no fan of conspiracy theories. Employing a belief system based in pure objectivity won’t allow it. Everything I think has a perfectly good explanation. But the world is weird, and there are times I’m slandered by jealous, preening guttersnipes sniping gutturally from the comfy confines of their proverbial legume gallery. Since very few people actually understand the world, truly grappling with reality, I owe it to humanity to be honest. Call it a duty, or a dutiful calling.  

Like I said, conspiracy theories are not for me. But, if you believe the sky is blue, you’re living in a dream world. You’re not really looking at the sky, are you? We should be past seeing color. It’s simply not done anymore. Blue represents the latent oppression inside your optic nerve. You probably think that weather is controlled by various pressure systems and other complicated things. Wrong again. The weather is controlled by the very weathermen who so glibly and poorly predict it. This cloudy cabal of meddlesome meteorologists enjoys seeing people without rain cover. They get off the umbrellaless masses, running through the drizzle, soaked and sullen. That always brightens their day.

 

Gravity is a theory. Evolution, too. Same with the famous five second rule that states sandwiches taste better when they graze the grime of kitchen floor linoleum. The dinosaurs didn’t go extinct, they quickly changed costumes to annoy us as birds, loudly demanding seed and shelter. The aliens didn’t just arrive, they never left. Smile, you’re on camera - somewhere, anywhere, everywhere.

I can understand if you missed all of this. It’s not easy to see if you’re blind, but impossible to miss if you’re awake to it. No one’s perfect. Except the guy who lives down in the center of the earth, controlling existence and toying with reality from a fiery lair. Rodolfo is his name, I think. He’s a failed puppeteer, angry at all the marionettes who sheepishly shrugged their shoulders when he’d speak of his global aspirations. But guess who’s pulling the strings now?