Interview with a genuine Lizard Brain

After the premature cancellation of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles television show, I swore I would never again fall under the cold-blooded spell of charismatic reptiles. It was the only thing I could do to survive. But that was a promise I simply couldn’t keep. These slimy creatures have a certain appeal that’s enough to break a person’s heart and change a person’s mind. I kept my vow until I saw those first Geico commercials with the slithering gecko at the helm, hawking the wares of a little-known insurance company. Why hadn’t I thought of something this clever? My loyalty to the comedic stylings of Joy Behar and Jimmy Kimmel went out the window – interestingly, it’s the same window that barely needs to be cracked to let in any local lizards. For years, my dreams have been dominated by Coca-Cola Koalas, Honda Pandas and Huawei Blue Jays. I knew it was time to pick up the phone. Martin the Gecko is a rather unusual fellow. He doesn’t exactly have to work anymore, but when you love what you do, you keep going despite how irritating your steady income stream makes it for all the other underemployed reptiles in your life. When I caught up with Marty, he was in Texas on business. 

MTP: What’s in Texas?

MTG: Gigs. I do improv comedy with a traveling troupe called, “Yes gland.” Historically, reptiles have trouble breaking into the entertainment industry, so my notoriety helps a bit. Though I’m still waiting for Hollywood to call, here’s hoping with the right vehicle comes along soon. 

MTP: What happened to the cockney accent? 

MTG: O’, dis ol’ fing? [stops doing the accent] Look, Michael Caine’s a friend. I asked him if I could “borrow your essence” for those first few spots and he was as gracious as you’d expect. The persona took on a life of its own and here we are. 

MTP: Where’d you grow up then? 

MTG: Lisbon.

MTP: Portugal?

MTG: Ohio.

MTP: I see. The land of Lebron and Neil Armstrong. What are you reading now?

MTG: A few scripts come across my desk each week. Which is easy since my desk is incredibly small. They’re mostly awful, embarrassing dreck Gecko private eye, gecko cop, gecko fireman, gecko astronaut, gecko cardiologist. I’d like to be considered for something a bit more challenging. Understand?

MTP: I suppose. Are there any projects you’re developing?

MTG: Honestly? Yeah, there are a few. Really one in particular. It’s sort of a passion project. My agent loves it. 

MTP: Care to tell the audience?

MTG: Sure, why not? I’ve been working on an adaptation of Sterling Hayden’s masterful memoir, Wanderer. Hayden was this matinee idol, iconoclastic, bearded. He named names, hated the phoniness of film, and went through a terrible divorce. Then he took his kids and sailed to Tahiti. We had backers and a big name signed on to direct it, but in the end, the pandemic destroyed our budget. I haven’t given up entirely, but it’s a dream deferred – for now.

MTP: And you were going to play Hayden?

MTG: Of course. I co-wrote the screenplay, too. In real life, he was a little taller than me, but the camera adds a few feet. 

MTP: You know something about terrible divorces, don’t you?

MTG: Unfortunately, yes. I’m the Larry King of lizards, who himself is the Martin the Gecko of humans.  

MTP: I read somewhere that in God’s rough draft, geckos were one of the plagues and not frogs. How do you think that revision might’ve changed your life? 

MTG: I think I would’ve gotten my big break much sooner than I did. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for everything Geico has done for me. But I wasn’t cut out to be a pioneer. I'm not the first of anything. Jim Henson turned down 50 lizards before picking Kermit. It took a while for us to become acceptable to most Americans.

MTP: You work for an insurance company. What are your feelings about looting? 

MTG: Everything and everyone’s replaceable. Look at Gallagher. My brother would do the same thing to me given the chance.  

MTP: Physically, you're unable to blink. What would you do in a hostage situation?

 

MTG: Have you ever tried to restrain a lizard? Good luck.

MTP: I look forward to seeing you on the silver screen. 

MTG: Remember to bring your binoculars.