Out on a Limb

Here I am, once again going out on a limb despite my better judgment. It’s not as steady as it used to be. Not as gratifying either. There’s no small talk between myself and the squirrels, no admiration of the fresh buds arriving just in time for the new season. I’ve always wondered why zealous tree-huggers, deep-seeded in their beliefs, always embrace trunks and never limbs. Choosing the quick photo-op over a time-consuming meet and greet from root to top. They seem to spurn the tree’s dominant representative – the branch. But a trunk without limbs is just a stump, whereas a limb without a tree is a walking stick, a weapon, and so much more. I suppose even the environmentally patient have their share of glaring blind spots. But do the blind spots themselves cause glare? And if so, who sees them? I'm quite confused - even more than usual.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that sleeping at night and waking up in the morning is a fine idea. It’s only fair to the owls, raccoons and other strung out nocturnal creatures making their living under the clear moonlight. This limb is strong. I can tell. It’s got an impressive circumference and no signs of deterioration or root rot.

Three meals is, how should I put this? - just right. Dessert isn’t a meal, snacks aren’t meals, the occasional brackish water hot dog shoved down your gullet on the way to an important job interview isn’t a meal either. That’s not how the long dead Delmonico brothers imagined it when they were covering long tables with linen, silverware and expensive bottles of wine. What a branch this is, to hold steady for such an obvious statement of fact. 

Now I’m leaning a bit, hardly struggling to stay upright, only to say that mixed nuts are improved with the addition of fruit. Some may say, “why not eat bird seed? It’s cheaper.” That’s actually a very good question. Absent the ability to fly, you are in no position to criticize their dietary choices. So stock up and start pecking. 

When’s the last time you wore a rain hat? I bet it’s rained since, huh? We adore raincoats, rainboots, rain dances, but dismiss hats as unnecessary accessories. When the hat is very often a very good sign. Whether you’re a professional ballplayer or a higher-up in a religious order, the hat is almost as important as the ideas residing beneath it. The last thing you can do when it rains is stay inside like a terrified fool, shivering at the inevitably of your future wetness. 

This branch may not be so strong after all. I can hear it cracking between my toes. The silent treatment ought to be prescribed at clinics, hospitals and schools, wherever noise is a problem. 

It’s better to form your opinions without evidence. That way, you can stay firm in your beliefs and never waver. Did you hear that? 

Spend your life trapped in an endless cycle of online lunacy. It’s only fair to your psyche to see it through. A thread is only over when you stop reading. What was that sound?

While you’re at it, maniacally and constantly washing your hands, why not move a little up your limb? Are your wrists and forearms a paragon of cleanliness all of a sudden? What about your elbows and shoulder blades? I know, you don’t eat with them. Is eating the only way a person gets dirty these days? Washing your hands is like brushing your front two teeth. Good, but not nearly good enough. That was definitely something breaking. 

Drink cold coffee - not iced coffee, day-old-forgotten-and-left-out-on-the-counter-coffee. Oh boy. 

Go to bed angry, otherwise, you might wake up naïve and happy. We don’t want that. Walk around, go to work angry, do laundry angry. There’s nothing that should be enjoyed in this world. Well, that’s the sound the limb I’m standing on splitting in two. It’s not all bad news, though. 

This way, I’ll finally be down-to-earth.