Robots Belong in the Kitchen

Where else would you feel more comfortable seeing your robot butler dicing heads of garlic with one mechanical arm and blending carrots into orange dust with another? You can’t have them in the bathroom, no matter how much you think good programming will force them to ignore whatever they see. The risk is too high and the reality is too creepy. Nor can you invite them to watch over your bedroom while you sleep. That’s a dog’s job. The living room is a social place, and it’s not your place to explain every pop culture reference that appears on screen. They are just going to have to learn about the country like everyone else – by binge-watching The Big Bang Theory (they may even identify with the main characters a little too much). You don’t want them waiting by the phone for a call from Musk that never comes. The garage may fill them with paralyzing pangs of jealousy and confusion at the mere sight of a vintage muscle car stored beneath an oil-stained sheet. In another universe, they could be that muscle car, cruising along the highway in a nonsensical car commercial. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be. They have enough on their plate as it is, without adding to that portion a heaping helping of existential dread. That’s our domain, not theirs.

At this most interesting point in human history, the kitchen is where our robot friends are needed most. It’s where they belong, amongst their fellow appliances – friends, rivals, and toasters. I’m tired of rinsing salad greens and peeling potatoes. It’s time a robot did that and everything else for me. Deveining shrimp is a joy the first 10,000 times you do it, but it eventually turns into a chore - and a smelly one at that. Something our robot pals needn't worry about. Not yet anyway. 

We’ve spent centuries standing over open flames checking various meats for relative doneness, standing over open containers of indeterminate foodstuffs hoping for some olfactory insight into ripeness, or destroying what's left of our tastebuds sampling a boiling broth? Robots cook, clean, and make no fuss about any of it. Given the absence of a circulatory system, is there the remote possibility they mix a toxic brew of chemicals during one particularly vigorous washing? Sure. As a rule, open the windows whenever you can see your reflection in the linoleum - just to be safe.  

We should stay out of the kitchen for a time and let our guests of honor get settled. There is the worry that bringing someone, or something, into your home and surrounding them around so much cutlery could prove to be a problem. At the very least, you won’t need to waste money on a manual knife sharpener, since if anything, all robots can do that quite easily.  

Will they see a reality TV show on cooking and wish to leave your kitchen for a bigger world beyond? One full of fiery obscenities and obscene flambés? Maybe. 

If you’re looking for something to do recreationally, take them bowling. But promise not to get angry when they win. Because they always win.