The Age of Reason

I can’t say that I follow politics closer than anyone else in a comparable position. But I do, like a greedy dog, follow speeding cars at a safe distance – they are my rabbits. They are the ones who fall into the clutches of parked police cars with nothing better to do than challenge the principle of “driving with the flow of traffic.” As you already know, that’s not exactly the same thing. I pick up my knowledge of politics by osmosis. What people are saying in line for fresh frangipane. And that's about it. It is my experience that the biggest complaint surrounds the question of age. 

Apparently, you can’t run for president in this country until you’re 35. Which is bizarre, because at that point, most people are dangerously out of touch and just beyond an essential Nielsen ratings group. I agree that 35 is a fine marker between right and wrong, but we’re on the wrong side of the issue here. 

Because if it were up to me, 35 would be the mandatory federal retirement age. Experience and wisdom can only get you so far. Think about it. You can't have someone in congress making references to Alf or God forbid, All in the Family. I’m sure all of the Supreme Court justices appreciate the subtleties of the constitution and other founding documents, but they’re only now embracing Snapchat. And frankly, it’s too little, too late. Especially since TikTok is currently ascendant, and once again, these wigless finger-waggers find themselves mortifyingly behind the times. Don’t we want a president who does more than tweet, but has a full arsenal of memes and GIFs at his or her disposal? The state of the union should be six seconds long – max. And that’s being generous. 

Think politicians and government officials are thin-skinned now? Just wait until half of them don’t have fully functional cerebellums to contend with the issues of the day. We need a government that’s fresher, fresher than even the Italian pastry from the opening paragraph. Something that if you don’t eat at the register it’ll spoil on the drive home. The machinery of democracy needs more spice and much more sizzle. Government should be like high school: you graduate in a few years, never to return, otherwise it’s creepy. A bunch of fogies wandering where they don’t belong doesn't sound like a healthy republic to me. I don’t have an answer to what you do with all these people over 35, but you can’t let them run things. They can knit sweaters or make their own barbecue sauce. It doesn’t matter, as long as they leave the important things – like crafting the perfect hashtag for a new bill to the young. What’s great is that as giddy as the new blood will be, they’ll be gone in a few years, supplanted by even younger people. No one’s day in the sun lasts forever. In fact, it lasts about a day. 

Before you think this is some sort of ageist screed, remember that 35 is 245 in dog years. And you don’t see them barking about it.