Pro Creation

  

Lots of close friends are boarding the Procreation Express – having children as a way of keeping their shaky line relevant in the years to come. You can’t blame them for it. There are plenty of fine reasons for a person to willingly welcome in the next generation to their home, giving them keys, passwords and yes, the secret word. 

Children are small. At least that’s how they start. It’s important for parents not to waste the early years on too much walking and talking. Education comes in handy, as does true bipedal acumen, but there are so many nooks in a modern house that need addressing. Adults have to bend over or worse yet – pay for a professional to troubleshoot a tough problem. When all along, kids can easily fit into small spaces and most of them never even need to bend down. They are closer to the ground, and thus, can let you know what it looks like behind the sink. Plus, they’re family, so you can trust them a little more than some plumber with a union card and a pile of rusty wrenches, belching his way through the day. 

Children like to fetch things. When you want something in the fridge, a kid should get it first – why’s that? Again, they see the fridge at eye level, whereas you’re at best viewing its contents at an uncomfortable 45 degrees. I ache just thinking about it.

This kid is your second chance at on-the-field success. Maybe you were a respectable athlete in your day. Maybe you didn’t make varsity because of a set of unforeseen circumstances like receiving a placebo anabolic steroid from a rival teammate. Now’s the time to get them ready for a life devoted to hitting a ball or running around. For every child prodigy, like a Mozart or a Tiger, there are thousands of people you’ll never hear about. So dust off that nine-iron or that oboe underneath the drop cloth in the garage, and let them go to work. No one’s truly a failure until they fail at something. Remember that. 

Before you test out any pet theories on the public - like why true universal healthcare includes extraterrestrials (they are part of our universe, aren’t they?) – try them on your kids first. Honestly, that's a concept they'll get right away. What are kids if not alien interlopers?

Being your offspring, they are less likely to disagree with your assertion that wheels ought to be reinvented. If you’re doing your job, they only facts they’ll have are the ones you provide them. As they get older, they may wish to think for themselves. This is something you must work diligently to prevent. No one wants another contrarian in the home, questioning your motives and ideas – asking why vegans are put on a moral pedestal when plants are unquestionably alive. Keep them sheltered. Read to them for as long as you can stand it. Once they read, your days are numbered. 

Education and exercise pale in comparison to fashion. Has there ever been a style you wanted to embrace but couldn’t stir up the courage to do so? A hat you wanted to wear, a mustache your wanted to sport. Why not test it out on your child? They can try it out in the incubator that is grade school and then report back. There’s no use having both of you look like fools. Anyway, kids are resilient. They’ll get through it. Adults get fired from jobs, kids do not. 

There are other reasons to have kids. But only the psychopathic contempt for sleep comes to mind.