Canned Acknowledgement

Prior to kicking off tonight’s meeting of local seltzer enthusiasts billed henceforth as Concerned Citizens for Crisper Carbonation, I think we ought to acknowledge where we are. Wait, where are we? As you can tell by the lustrous carpeting, we’re standing in the rather spacious annex of a Holiday Inn Express. But before it was a Holiday Inn Express it was a Marriot. I think. Or maybe it was a Hilton. But before even that it was a local bed and breakfast run by a gentleman by the name of Ralph. Ralph’s Relaxation Station, I believe. However, that was the name he changed it to because numerous guests complained that The Resting Peace Inn was vaguely morbid. It was that or the massive cemetery that could be seen from the rectory. Earlier though, when Ralph and his brother Rupert were still getting along it was known as the Two Brothers Motel. Then Ralph formally separated from his penny pinching sibling. Their father, Roderick, owned the building originally, though in those days it wasn’t a hotel or anything like that. You could sleep there if you had to. Not that I’d recommend it. 

No, back then it was a place you got your tires rotated and brakes checked. They had a large couch in the waiting room with a lot of ripped cushions. His father, Reginald, made a killing on horse repair. It was a place you got your horseshoes polished and manes combed. That was an open air establishment, which was a good thing, considering the overwhelming stench of manure permeating the grounds at all times. Much worse in the summer months, according to the records I obtained from the library. 

In the years before that, I think it was mostly a patch of ground. Dirt, rocks, leaves, and whatever else you find outside. The British had it before the Americans. The Dutch had it before the British. The Lenape before them. The squirrels before them. The birds before them. The dinosaurs, which I know some in the audience would argue are in fact birds, nonetheless, had it before them. Not that much was done to cultivate the land you see here today. I guess before the planet came to be it was a mess of aspirational atoms floating around deep space hoping for some cosmic batter. The point is that this wasn’t always carpeted, despite the strong odor and enticing pattern. 

All right, with that out of the way, who wants to talk carbonation? Because if there’s one thing that deserves to go to your head it’s sparkling water. What's that? We're almost out of time. Darn. I really need to work on shortening up my preambles. What was Madison's trick?