Over the last several months, several anonymous people have complained to me about the direction this delicatessen is headed. So before getting started, Dave and Steve, thank you for your courage. You’re going to need it now that everything is out in the open. I wouldn’t be up here lecturing my employees if it wasn’t for your efforts. I have noticed some disturbing trends that are affecting this business. And it has little to do with the rodent family in the cupboard or the soapless bathroom going on 7 months now. It's about how we speak to each other.
There was a time when we all spouted off willy-nilly about silly things. Not anymore. I realized how giving customers familiar labels creates certain issues that leaves other customers feeling left out. No one at this establishment is hungry but rather, they are people experiencing hunger. No one is starving, but rather they are people experiencing starvation. No customer of ours should ever be responded to with the casual, “thanks, boss, how ya doin’ boss” as it implies the very social hierarchy we’re trying to dismantle. “Thanks, equal,” works much better.
When I told Steve, “you have a genius level IQ” he called me out for improper pronoun use. “We have a genius level IQ,” he said, having recently uncovered my long-lost Stanford-Binet under the wheel of cheddar in the broom closet. He was right, naturally, and I was left to apologize and hope for his hasty forgiveness. Our pork products are differently cured, speaking to the equanimity I’m attempting to engender. Before you’d have pancetta partisans arguing with the bacon brigade as the ham heroes sat and watched. Remember, there are many types of tomatoes, not just beefsteak Jersey juicers. Avoid the use of adjectives like “delicious” or “spicy,” as it can be dehumanizing to those with blander palates. Avoid terms like “slice,” “cut,” “chop,” or other terms with violent imagery. A phrase like “thinly-sliced prosciutto” might have the opposite effect and force our thicker customers into a sudden onslaught of tears. Avoid exclamatory statements of joy like “Oh baby” as not everyone in the store maybe be able to procreate.
So last night I put together a comprehensive handbook of these sorts of things, with an index, glossary, photos, and a lengthy acknowledgement section. However, just as I was preparing each crease for this meeting, a member of my staff informed me that "handbook" is problematic. There are people without hands out there, who dream of shakes and fist pumps, never to feel like the firm grip of a colleague's palm after a job well done.
At first, I thought, you really have to hand it to these people, they sure think of everything. But then I realized, even that I couldn’t do. A footbook has same drawbacks, with the footless ruing the footloose for constantly putting their best foot forward. I opted for a compromise that didn’t reference either, calling it a plain old book. Then someone told me that it might make the illiterate in the group feel singled-out. I wondered how they would even know, not being able to read and all. I shrugged and said, if not a book, what then? A boo perhaps? No, that involves paranormal problems, making ghosts feel even more unseen than normal. A bo? Those lacking a basic pituitary function might feel anxious, though they would have an odd way of showing it, not being able to sweat and all. A b? What would the other 25 letters think watching as the second letter of the alphabet is placed into a position of arbitrary importance? I scratched my chin for a few good minutes before saying, maybe it could be called nothing. Not the word nothing, but nothing nothing. Like Oxygen. I really thought that could work. Since these rules for communicating are as essential as the very air we breathe. I impressed myself at such an unexpected epiphany. How naïve I must have been to think such a thing. What about Carbon Monoxide? It’s as colorless and odorless as I'm thoughtless. Just because something is categorized as a silent killer doesn’t mean it doesn't have feelings, too.
That’s when I gave up.
No comments:
Post a Comment