Anchors Aweigh

Given the belt tightening happening at major networks, it’s worth asking: who can and should host a TV show? Layoffs, firings, cutting ties, it seems that executives are all starting to get the picture. Because it no longer makes sense to pay someone an eight-figure salary to read off a teleprompter or sip a glass of Sauvignon Blanc for five hours. We were able to snag the hottest talent in broadcast after accepting the role of lead anchor on a highly-respected cable news channel. This is his first interview anywhere. Enjoy. 

MTP: How are you?

 

Anchor:  Dry.

 

MTP: Could you elaborate? 

 

Anchor: I’m an anchor, so I’m still getting used to the new surroundings.

 

MTP: Meaning…

 

Anchor: I’m spent the last two hundred years at the bottom of the Boston harbor collecting mollusks, seaweed, and other seafloor accessories. Practically overnight, here I am, basking in the glow of a well-lit television studio, flanked by segment producers and fellow on-air talent. It’s a new world.

 

MTP: What do you bring to the gig that past broadcasters may have lacked? 

 

Anchor: Stability, conscientiousness, and inner strength. 

 

MTP: Now it’s true you haven’t held down a steady job in a while, why is that?

 

Anchor: I got tired of pulling all the weight. Most ship captains have very little time in their day to give me a courtesy scrubbing. I was on whaling ships where I got along better with the whales than the crew. They seemed to understand where I was coming from, and where I was going. 

 

MTP: And you think you’ll bring the same mentality to cable news? 

 

Anchor: An anchor isn’t supposed to do much. By the time someone turns on the TV, they’ve already made up their mind on the issues of the day. I want them to stare at me, read the ticker, and buy one of the many products advertised during the show. 

 

MTP: That’s a good point. 

 

Anchor:  I’m not going to have a scandal like some of these idiots either. 

 

MTP: Critics have said that you’re made, at least in part, of lead. 

 

Anchor: That’s nonsense. But let’s say, for the sake of argument, I’m an incredibly toxic anchor. How about this: don’t like me. I’d be the one with the HR complaint not them. 

 

MTP: Interesting take. Don’t you think your presence could dumb down the newsroom?

 

Anchor: Not possible. Plus, I’m very comfortable at rock bottom. 

 

MTP: Good luck. 

 

Anchor: Do you have any baking soda? I don’t want to be rusty on my first day.

MTP: Not on me. 

Anchor: That's okay. I'll just have to get in the makeup chair a little early.