Perp Walks

Getting indicted isn’t glamorous, though it can and should be. Those in the chattering classes complaining that gratuitous perp walks violate one’s fourth amendment rights can’t see the big picture, ignoring the value of these flashbulb ambles. America is about spectacles and getting arrested should be a highlight of one’s life. 

There are different ways. There’s the cowering doofus, raincoat obscuring any facial features as throngs of journalist salivate at the glimpse of the accused. If you don’t have a handy poncho, many opt for their own hands as sufficient covering. This doesn’t always work, given the correlation between puny palms and criminal misconduct. At least I think I read that somewhere. I prefer the John Gotti method, where the perp springs from the backseat of a limo without any concern or shame. This is how it’s done. Usually, this act of courage is inversely proportional to one’s guilt. The more you claim innocence in a public display of grandeur, the more likely you’re guiltier than sin. 

Then there’s how you dress. Again, Gotti opted for tailored Italian suits. But as we’ve seen on the bench of NBA games, the ubiquity of formal attire is waning. Would you want you grandkids watching as you’re moved up the courthouse steps in yoga pants and a visor you received with a free magazine subscription?  

Who's to say you can't perp walk and talk? The people are listening and this certainly a time when you have their attention. Make the most of it. Take each step slowly, savoring every foothold. Days like this don't happen every day. I worry about remote work and how that will eliminate the romance of perp walks. Will there be a time when house arrest is the norm? I suppose we're all doing time in a way. For many people, this the closest they will every get to a fashion show runway. So make it count.