All that food might eat itself

It’s a fairly familiar sight. Deflated fruit in the front drawer. Spoiled milk in the side door. Juice a day or two away from expiration in the back of the fridge. Rotten meats, moldy bread, wilted spinach. Despite coming from different corners of the world, some tropical, some arctic, both organic and artificial, they all end up in the same place: The trash. As garbage, each ruined item from a once great food returns to the earth. There’s no great sendoff, no elegy from an unemployed poet, no bugler to play a few mournful bars in somber reflection. There’s only more garbage, piling up and piling high. That’s what grocery shopping has come to.

The sad thing, tragic even, is that each leaves well before their time. They had more life to live, more flavor to give. You just couldn’t be bothered to get around to them soon enough. The butter waits, getting stood up by precious oil. The carrots are lost, replaced by parsnips. This process occurs throughout the rest of the pantry.

What a waste. Wouldn’t it be nice if when you cleaned out the fridge, everything in it was ready to go? You should see empty bottles, bags and boxes. But how will your problems just disappear?

There’s an old saying, repeated in dining rooms and salad bars across America: “all that food won’t eat itself.” Unlike the rest of the population, the geniuses at Krift foods refused to take the phrase as gospel. They went to work, eventually devising a new gastro-technology where after a few days your food literally starts to eat itself. While cannibalism is understandably looked down on in polite society, it deserves to play an important role in sustainability. Plus, it’s not like your sour cream is going to eat your leftover sweet potatoes. Everything has been worked out so that each food keeps to itself. After sensing a few days without human contact, the process begins. A nibble here, a bite there, and eventually, what was once a decaying eyesore within your kitchen, is now nothing more than a memory.  

9 out of 10 culinary minimalists agree, auto-cannibalizing food is the innovation they’ve been waiting for. Finally, it’s not up to you to give that container of cottage cheese a good, healthy whiff to determine quality. This frees you up to enjoy life without worrying about what's still edible and safe to eat. Of course, the Krifters are working on a human version, but I’ve already said too much. 

While the side effects are long and lasting, what’s that in comparison to an odorless garbage can and a spacious refrigerator? I’d say it’s still quite a bargain.