Check, mate

You don’t want to be rude. But it’s not your fault there’s a delay. Plus, you did something you never do – called ahead to confirm the reservation. You arrived with a few minutes to spare on the off chance any seating had opened up by then. Nada.

The restaurant’s foyer is a little on the drafty side, this being November. Therefore, you’re maneuvering constantly, to let people in, let people out, avoid touching, coughing and staying six feet apart. Not exactly easy. You can’t help but take an interest in your table – ya know, the one you reserved last week. The one they said wouldn’t be a problem. The one that should've been waiting for you - cleared and cleaned.

You’re not asking for much. However, sitting down on the early side could mean a chance to review the extensive menu and not make any mistakes. Other members of your party insist on looking at it while standing awkwardly in the doorway. You’re against that. You’re not an animal, since that style of dining is commonplace at both zoos and circuses. You can't think about food until seated.

You ask the maître d’ again if there’s any movement. He equivocates, not wanting to offend his current diners. You refuse to be seated in the garden by the dumpster. You have this table, and that’s that.

You decide to take matters into your own hands. There he is. This guy has been at it for an hour, but it feels like days. His check is on the table and he’s ordering another espresso. More biscotti now? Why is he looking at the entrees? This is absurd. You’re livid. He’s playing with his peas, making bad art out of cold food. But at what point does security get involved? The restaurant has a major stake in the peaceful transition of dinner. They don’t want to make a scene, but they also don’t want a serious logjam blocking the fire exits.  

You inch closer to the table, motioning to your watch, trying to get the attention of the oblivious eater. He’s really milking it. Once the check hits your table, it’s understood that you have about ten minutes to get your affairs in order. He must know that his dinner is over. 

He ought to leave before things get ugly.