House Rules

In this house, we believe that if you’re standing on our front lawn admiring the grass, you might as well come inside for a refreshing glass of homemade lemonade. That's unless you were planning on grabbing a rake and tidying up. We make it ourselves with organic lemons shipped straight from Burma. Unless you’d prefer a well-proportioned Palmer. If that’s the case, and you're not currently in possession of one, then a Palmer will be provided for you. We believe that in lieu of a working doorbell or a high-functioning doorknocker, yelling is perfectly acceptable. Someone will come to the door eventually and let you in. Don’t be too taken aback if our in-house counsel is the one to greet you. Having a lawyer sleeping upstairs is far wiser than a live-in chef or fulltime maid. Lawyers have a way of making themselves useful. Some call it a  retainer, we call it a Murray. We can also give you a few numbers of good attorneys looking for work and shelter. 

In this living room, we believe that sectional couches must be comfortable enough to sleep on. Judge furniture by how it would feel to put your face against it and doze off. You may not think your dining table is for slumber, but after a rough day followed by a rich soup, no one wants splinters in their cheek. Since we aren’t all blessed enough to make it directly to bed at bedtime. 

In this kitchen, we believe that there’s no such thing as owning too many cutting boards. Wood ones, without tiny grooves to infect your meat, and yet sturdy enough to handle a daily barrage of hard knifing. Your Palmer’s ready, by the way. That’s if you still want it. 

In this back patio, we believe that while flagstones are tougher on joints than grass, they look tremendous. Especially when wet from a fresh drizzle. Before you buy a car or a house, consider what both look like in the rain. Then make your decision.  

In this yard, we can’t believe that after all that, you won’t come in. You’re going to stay outside at a safe distance, aren’t you? You claim you were only passing by, not meaning to take up our time and beverage. But it’s too late. The Palmer’s done. It’s yours. You insist you didn’t walk by for legal advice or a quick cat nap. Fine. Then at least make yourself useful. Grab that shovel leaning against the fence, some potting soil, a little mulch. Now please plant that Juniper Tree, wrapped in burlap waiting for a suitable hole. 

We’re heading out to run a few errands. Emergency numbers are on the fridge and please put the glass in the sink when you finish. Let us know if it's too sweet.

Believe it.