Money Talks

There’s a push to get people of all ages (from womb to luxury retirement community) to talk openly and honestly about money. Their money. It can’t hurt, I suppose. But the problem, again, with these sorts of discussions is how limited they are in scope and imagination. After you share your salary with everyone on your town’s parade route, what next? You could employ a few out-of-work handymen to construct a parade float for the next holiday, celebrating your income jump. But I mean after that. Because after that, there’s not much left. Just lots of counterfeitti littering the streets.

And is all you have to say about money the money you have? 

Seems to me a rather self-involved approach to the wild world of high finance. Do I tell everyone from uber drivers to baristas my gross pay? Why yes, yes I do. They deserve to know. Anyone you’re paying a service – you know how much they make in that moment – ought to know what’s going on in your life outside of similar paltry transactions. Stopping there seems oddly, oh, I don’t know, inadequate. 

What I do to cope with the times and embody the modern millennial money maven is to constantly talk about money. Not just my money, but all money. Now really think: when’s the last time you had an intense debate about the gold standard? How about the silver standard? The ol’ specie circular makes many a dinner party a great deal livelier. Who even uses words like “specie” anymore? Money deserves to be out in the open. We’re making too many decisions on computers with the assistance of nosy password managers. I’m in favor of expanding the current conversation about money. That means that telling everyone you know your salary isn’t nearly enough. You need to start collecting coins, plan a trip to Fort Knox and stop by your local bank for a short walkabout. Step in and smell the marble. Wave at the tellers and blow kisses at the vault. It'd be a start.

I’m no economist, but I happen to think the euro is one ugly currency. Hideously unimaginative. It doesn’t do anything for me. Not like the old French francs did with their wonderful pictures. I especially enjoyed the one of Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. Now that I know what you make, please tell me your opinion of the Danish krone, among other European coins. I bet you like'd to string together a bunch of them with alternating seashells to form a financially sound necklace. I always wondered what those holes in the center were for.